On Friday evening I was standing in the kitchen talking with my 10 year old and I realized that as she was speaking I had my phone in my hand and I was wanting her to HURRY UP because right before she walked in the room I was about to check ye olde Facebook on my phone. I was distracted as she talked. I wasn’t looking at my screen but I might as well have been because my palm was just itching to tap the little blue App button. And I only half heard what she was saying because of it.

“Enough!” I said to myself as she talked.  Actually, I think the voice in my head said something more like, “are you freaking kidding me???”

So when she finished up and walked out of the room, I sighed a big old sigh. And I tapped the little blue square with the lower case f on it and held it long enough for it to flicker. And I hit delete. And I decided I’d take Facebook off my phone for the whole weekend.

Simple as that.

It was perfect. Several times during the weekend I found myself taking my phone out of my pocket and then remembereing that I had hit delete and so just tucked it right back in. By Sunday I was no longer taking it out at all except to take a few photos – habit broken just like that.

What I realized that first day was just how much I DO take my phone out. Ridiculous really. And most often on the weekends there really isn’t much going on on Facebook anyway. Certainly not enough to warrant wishing a conversation with my 10 year old would end!

By Sunday I was feeling the joy and connection of full on presence. Really. I know it sounds kind of simplistic but maybe that’s because it actually is. Simple that is.

Because while I love the FB for connecting and for taking little breaks from my writing and other random computer work and for promotion of events and products and blog posts, I simply don’t need it on the weekends.

And hitting delete was just so easy. And allowed me to break the FB spell for the whole weekend long.

Try it. And let me know if your habit is easy to break. And if you don’t find something beautiful in its place.

Here’s something I’m trying to do at home. And even in the very brief period that I have been practicing it, it has made an incredible difference in how we all get along. I learned it this weekend at a workshop, along with lots of other great tips for creating more love and joy in my life and especially in my home. It’s such a simple shift, and honestly, it has had a ridiculously profound effect on my interaction with my children and my partner.

Instead of saying “but” I say “and”.

Instead of saying “you want to do it this way BUT I want to do it that way.” Instead of thinking, “You want to go here BUT I want to go there.” Instead of feeling, “You like this BUT I like that.” I replace the “but” with an “and”.

So it sounds like love and acceptance instead of arbitration and rejection. It feels like agreement instead of contradiction. It allows for two realities co-existing instead of argument of one way being right and the other being wrong. AND it feels like a whole lot of understanding that in a family with 6 people in it, there can of course be 6 different ways of feeling/thinking/wanting/seeing.

We all like different things. We all have different ideas. We all need/want/have/love different ways of approaching life. AND it’s all perfectly true and beautiful and okay.

Honestly it is that simple. AND it is that good. You want this AND I want that. You feel this AND I feel that. You see this AND I see that. You are perfect AND I am too.

It could be just the tool you need this holiday.

Letting go seems to be my theme this week. Actually, maybe it’s a recurring theme it’s just that now I”m paying more attention to it. And funny enough, paying attention was the theme for the past several months. Which I guess means I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In that big giant universal sense that is.

Every year for Halloween we take a family photo on the bench in the yard. Every year. Since we’ve been in this house. Since all the kids were little. Before some of the kids even existed. We would all get our random costumes on and take 10 minutes for a photo shoot. I love those photos. The sessions and the photos too.

This year we were kind of in a hurry because of new schedules where big kids get home later than usual. And costumes were chosen last minute which took a little bit of time. And we were  just a little bit more scattered. So the photo shoot was rushed. And one child didn’t want to participate. At all. At first I insisted. But only for about a minute. And then, like a wave, I felt myself let go of the expectation.

In the big picture, who cares about the picture? Yes, I like it but taking a photo with 5 of us instead of 6 will serve as much as a reminder of where we all were at that current moment in time just as much as a photo would. I’ll remember that moods were off and we were feeling a little frantic and so the photo was different.

And I’ll use that photo of 5 as a metaphor for so much more. I’ll remember to let go of expectations. I’ll remember to let everyone feel the feelings. I’ll remember that we all need/like/want different things. I’ll remember that where we are in one moment of time does not define us for all time. I’ll remember, hopefully, to try to meet everyone where they are at any given moment of time. And hopefully I’ll remember that it’s crucial in this family life of ours to choose my battles. Which ones matter? Which ones can I just let go?

I think this year’s picture is going to give me more than I could have ever dreamed because what’s in the picture is just as telling and crucial as what isn’t.

Things seem to amp up a bit this time of year with fall festivals planned and fundraisers of one kind or another and Halloween parties and activities and lots of fall birthday parties and holy cow, is that Thanksgiving on next month’s calendar page?

The attempt to keep things slow and steady rather than reactive and riotous is definitely the goal. And as the kids get a bit older, I must admit, this slow and steady is a bit less in my control and pushed against a little more by certain members in my house.

Just this weekend my child-who-shall-remain-unnamed said to me, “You want to have time at home but I just want to hang out with my friends.” So we made a deal – one that I think will work for all of us. 2-3 days each month we will have FAMILY MEMBERS ONLY marked on the calendar. Planned ahead of time so as to give everyone fair warning and not necessarily for an entire day though I reserve the right to claim it as such if I want to but I might be willing to concede to a late afternoon hang out at the house with friends.  Ideally I’d choose 4 days each month – one day each weekend- but I’m willing to meet them halfway on this. And on the weekends that we don’t have family-only time, I will have one day reserved as car-free for me – meaning that I will not drive anyone, anywhere. So if they want to make plans with friends, the friends can either come over or they will figure out their own transportation.

While building family connection is part of the goal, encouraging everyone to find some sort of comfort level in just hanging out at home is definitely part of it too. I want my kids to feel that sometimes just sinking into the scene at home is not only okay but actually desirable. And yet I am fully aware of the fact that repression breeds obsession, meaning if I force them to stay home all the time, they will resent it. Oh, this give and take is such a fine line to walk and this idea of finding some sort of slow is a balancing act that requires constant calibrating. But putting it on the calendar surely helps.

Like spinning plates.  And again I say a three-day weekend sure would be helpful.

How do you make it work in your house? Do you have any tools to help you make sure that you and your family keep it all in balance?

I met with Tina Hambly yesterday morning, the owner and founder and chief designer at Valentina Shoes; hip girls, happy feet. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but when she walked in I felt instantly happy by her presence. Maybe it was her casual and down to earth style? I expected someone more corporate perhaps? Maybe it was her sweet blue sweater with the giant red heart woven into it that seemed the perfect sweater for a woman who had followed her heart to a career.  Whatever it was, I felt quite satisfied sitting outside at a local café with my latte in front of me and Tina across from me – you know that satisfaction that comes from the feeling that you’re about to learn something cool?

Tina worked in the corporate world for nearly two decades as an event coordinator, and still does actually, when she decided to return to her design and fashion roots. With her then 6 year old daughter serving as her muse, she started Valentina Shoes; hip girls, happy feet. (And can I add, on a personal note, the thing that stood out the most to me and that I appreciated almost as much as the styles themselves,  is that there is not a heel in sight on these shoes for young girls!)

On October 24^th, Tina will be speaking at the Texas Conference for Women on the subject of pursuing your passions, going big, following your dreams. She’ll be addressing the young women at the conference made up of high school juniors and seniors. She’s excited about meeting with them and hopes to share with them the idea of finding your passion, examining them and then taking active steps to truly follow them in a big, true way. I can only imagine how great it would be to hear that message at so young an age from someone who was living proof that it is the way to happiness and success.

She told me the story of making the leap into her own company and how she called up a man in Houston who had a similar company and she asked him for help. Without hesitation he shared ideas, lessons learned, and insights that were priceless to Tina in the creation of Valentina, “He spent two hours on the phone with me, having never met me before, sharing incredible information.” From that Tina learned that sharing is key. “Don’t be afraid to ask people for help. Find the people who can help, find a mentor, and don’t be afraid to ask them for information.” Now when people ask Tina, she is ready, willing and able to share with others what she learned in a sort of Pay-It-Forward method.

Tina makes it a point to slow things down at home with her husband and two children. “We have dinner together just about every night. It’s a sacred time for me, a time when we can all connect with each other and get a glimpse into each other’s day.” She also tries to keep weekends for family and when that doesn’t’ always work out, Tina is super intentional around carving out specific blocks of time rather than having business bleed into family life all weekend long.”

With a growing business and a family to tend to, Tina is also careful to tend to her own proverbial cup – filling it with solo walks and time spent pouring over stacks of design magazines where she not only gets her relaxation but also design ideas for new products. “It’s crucial for me to get some solo time. It’s a time when I can check in with myself and also stir up new ideas.”

Tina is excited about attending the Texas Conference for Women for the first time and excited about sharing ideas with the young women in attendance. She’s also looking forward to listening to the many other amazing speakers and said her only dilemma really is deciding which talks to attend. If you are on the fence about attending the conference, just one glimpse at the list of speakers should spur you on to registering for this day full of insights, inspirations and big beautiful ideas. Whether you already know your passion, or are pondering just what it might be, surely this day surrounded by amazing professional women will be just the thing you need to take it to the next level and an opportunity to follow Tina’s advice to “get active in your passion.”

Gretchen Rubin started a year-long  Happiness Project a few years back based solely on the idea of being happier everyday. As simple as that. She wanted to be happier and express more happiness and she wanted to share what she learned along the way.  She wrote a book about it called of course, The Happiness Project,  that is changing the world one simple happy act at a time.

As she conducted the year-long project that became The Happiness Project, Gretchen realized that her home, in all its aspects, was the most crucial element influencing her happiness.This year her new book came out, Happier at Home, about creating more happiness in the home and finding ways to make it all feel better; from the mundane to the major. Her idea being that we’re in it, we have to do it, why not do it happily?

On October 24th Gretchen will be speaking at the Texas Conference for Women, an all day conference of ideas, inspirations, networking, motivation and moving forward as women, in the home and business world. Our own Carrie Contey, PhD will be speaking with Gretchen in a breakout session and I look forward to the amazing ideas that will come out of those two brilliant minds sharing the same stage! Along with the host of other incredible discussions which will be had that day.

Next week Gretchen will be hosting a free teleclass around the ideas shared in her new book. Sign up is easy and if you’ve never done a teleclass before I am here to tell you they are a great way to go! Just dial in and listen as you move about your life doing whatever needs doing. Or, if you’re lucky, you can even listen while curled up somewhere still and quiet with just your headphones as company.

I am this week at the Jersey Shore celebrating a cousin’s 50th wedding anniversary. We toasted, they talked, their children shared anecdotes, and what I realize is, it’s the little things that keep a family connected.

It’s finding that special juice that one likes and getting them one for their very own. It’s the touches. And the ability to lean a head on the other’s shoulder. It’s the whispered I love yous. And the laughs when there is chaos. And the commitment to the very simple, but not always easy act of being kind. It’s the knowing that the other is there when you need them and the knowing when to walk away in silence. It’s the big support group that surrounds the union and gives them a chance to regroup. It’s the willingness to let it all show – the tears, the laughs, and everything in between. It’s the being there for the big things and the little things too, and knowing that in 50 years it’s not all fun and games but it’s satisfying nonetheless. It actually can be mostly joy. It’s the being there for each other, the serving as witness to life’s ups and downs. And the willingness to sigh, forgive, let go and move on. It’s the daily gratitudes for the things big and small and the willingness to sometimes look beyond a singular act or mood, and see the reason behind it – be it fatigue or hunger or overwhelm. And it’s the hug that says, “I’m here when you need me.”

It’s inspiring to see a couple together this long who still feels such love for each other and who are still so demonstrative about it. And to see the trickle effect of their big love on all the people gathered here at their party, young and old. It inspires us all to love bigger, truer and to appreciate the people that are right under our noses. I want to celebrate 50 years one day. And in the meantime I’m going to try to celebrate one year, month, week, day at a time.

If you’re a parent of a baby, of course you’ve heard it before, “oh these days will be gone before you know it!”

If you’re a parent of a kindergartener, you’ll hear it in the first few weeks, “oh he’ll be heading off to high school in a blink.”

And by the time your child is entering high school you kind of have some understanding of what they mean. My oldest is starting high school this fall. In fact, she’s already made the volleyball team and is pretty much gone everyday for practice. And it has made me painfully and  incredibly aware of time’s velocity.

It seems like we were just trying to figure out kindergarten. And then figuring out what she’d do for middle school. And now, those decisions have brought us to the here and now of this little baby of ours looking at us eye to eye and making decisions and plans that aren’t necessarily run by us first.

And we know before we know it she’ll be looking at college catalogs in order to figure out her next.

I have already shed a few tears  at this thought and surely will a few more as we hit milestones which seem to be leading to her leaving our home in just a few years.

So if you’re walking with a stroller and I suddenly stop you in your tracks and go on about how you need to hold onto these moments because they go by so fast, I’m sorry. But really, it’s true.

So revel in these moments as best you can – though I know it’s hard to be completely present when life is swirling all around you. And know that in all the moments – whether they are incredibly high or horribly low – they will pass in the blink of an eye.

As for those parents that I’ll see in the kindergarten hall where we’ll be dropping off our youngest on the very same day, forgive me if I crowd the classroom window after they shoo us parents off. I just want one little glimpse before I blink again.

So why go slow? Because the view from here keeps changing.

As a kid one of my favorite things to do was to pour over various Make and Do books which were so prevalent in those days. They were full of crafts and recipes and games and ideas for filling up the days with fun and creativity.

As an adult, those books are still some of my favorites and I have a wide collection of various tomes from the 50s, 60s and 70s that I have picked up over the years at thrift stores and book sales. I pick them off the shelves at various times of year and leave them scattered about the house just waiting for some passerby (read: one of my four children or me) to pick one up, peruse its pages and get inspired. In these books there is truly something for everyone.

I have often wondered why there wasn’t a modern day equivalent to these books. Books that are timeless in their content and ageless in their target market.

And then Suz Lipman of Slow Family Online sent me a copy of her new book; Fed Up With Frenzy; Slow Down. Reconnect. It’s easier than you think.

It is a beautiful Make and Do book for families with a focus on slowing down and finding family connection within the tasks and activities.

It is full of thoughtful suggestions for living family life, games and crafts and garden activities. It has ideas for rituals and kitchen projects and family celebrations. And if you leave it out on the table in your house I guarantee someone will get inspired to create something magical that will surely spur your family onto feeling more joy and more connection.

I received my copy shortly before our big family road trip and tucked it in my travel bag. A few hundred miles in I pulled it out and went right to the Travel Games section. It is full of games to play in the car – some I remembered from my own youth, and others that were new to me or offered a twist I never thought of. For the rest of the trip, each time we needed inspiration we pulled out the book in search of what to do next. We took turns flipping through the pages finding ideas for things to do or just reading along for future plans and projects.

Now home I’m excited to dive into some of the kitchen projects with my kids – crafts and fun science projects. We’ll leave this one out on the table for months I’m sure and turn to it each time we need simple inspiration or ideas for things to do together or just a good read on a lazy afternoon.

This is the book of Make and Do but it is so much more than that. It will give you ideas for things to do with your kids. Ways to add more beauty to your home and your yard and the community at large. It will remind you that the road to connection is paved with simple things – things all within our grasp. You should totally get  a copy and display it prominently so that each time your seeking ways to reconnect, you’ll find it here in these pages.

Thanks to the author I’ve got one copy to giveaway which I’ll be doing next Wednesday on my site. Leave a comment here and tell me what was the last project or activity your family did together or what one you’ve got planned for the near future.

CONGRATULATIONS RACHEL!!! Send me your address and I’ll get this in the mail to you pronto!

We are back at home after a (mostly) delightful  road trip and visits with kith and kin up and down the east coast.  After putting over 50o0 miles on our van we returned home tired but happy to be back in our own beds with our own stuff. Woo-hoo!

And then just one day in,  just post suitcase emptying, the cries began from one who shall remain nameless,  ”what are we gonna do…”

Then I remembered the books I was sent by my publisher to give away to a lucky winner! The first one so beautifully and simply named, The Book of Doing; everyday activities to unlock your creativity and joy by Allison Arden.

Allison didn’t start out to write a book, rather she set out to unleash her own creativity which she feared had become dormant in all the mindless running around that  filled her days. She wanted to reignite that childhood feeling of making and doing and did so by approaching all her tasks with an air of creativity.  Says Allison, “The Book of Doing will open your eyes and mind to the energizing possibilities that you may have once taken for granted.”

It is delightfully whimsical in its layout – with simple and fun line drawings and light-hearted fonts – the kind of layout that makes me want to just browse it’s pages with a sketchbook by my side for jotting down and drawing my inspirations. And this book is FILLED with them for little kids, grown ups and families too.

From very simple things like making a list of people you love and things you love to do and then encouraging you to fit them into your schedule to learning code to mailing some random object just for the fun of it, this book will provide endless ideas and motivations for doing. And it not only gives you suggestions and projects, it also encourages you to come up with fun ideas of your own with simple prompts and an inspiring list of the “laws of doing”.  It is the kind of book that every family and couple and individual should have prominently placed on their table during these dog days of summer.

This book is filled with love and joy and creativity and it is, frankly, the kind of book I wished I’d written myself. But since I didn’t, I’m sure glad that Allison Arden did because truly, a book like this can only improve the joy factor wherever it goes. Just a few minutes spent perusing its pages by both child and adult alike and all cries of “what am I gonna do??” by both kids and adults alike will be banished forever from your kingdom.

As a kid, when we would cry bored, my mom would say, “Write a letter, read a book. Read a book, write a letter.”  When my kids whine that there’s nothing to do I tell them, “Boredom is the key to your next big idea.”  Or, when I’m feeling particularly snarky I say, “Bored people are boring.”

To win this copy of The Book of Doing, tell me something your own parents would say when you whined that there was nothing to do. Or something you’ve said to your own children when they voice their own concerns over the lack of activities.

Then I’ll pick a lucky winner on Wednesday August 8th so you can have your very own copy in these waning days of summer.