Check out the July/August issue of Mothering Magazine for an article of mine on allowing risk. It’s a fine line for parents and one that is sometimes hard to walk. And even harder sometimes to defend when others are there to watch and comment.

And I love the photo of our giant steel slide – from hereonin referred to as our “monument to risk”. How could you not want to read about that?

Things change in summer. Bedtime hours vary. Schedules are more random. More books are read in a week than during a month of the school year. Even with our early rising for summer swim team, we don’t keep such an eye on bedtime because of the knowledge that a midday siesta is definitely a possibility. Life in general feels a little more spacious even when we are doing lots of things and seeing lots of people.

I think it’s partly the long hours of daylight that give us this spacious feeling. Or maybe it’s that we’re more in control of our unscheduled time because it doesn’t hold so much homework or so many meetings or fundraising obligations.

Maybe though it’s just an illusion. Which is fine with me, because illusion is part of reality anyway. And this illusion  should serve me once school starts back again in fall and I can take on this same spacious feeling.

I’m curious how others feel in the summer. I’m wondering whether this feeling is sort of universal or whether its a fabrication of my own mindset. Is it just that I relax more in these days? Or is there actually more time and space allotted? How does your summer feel? Does your family operate differently in the summer than during the school year?

Curiously yours,

Bernadette

When a family splits, the trauma often reverberates for years, as family members struggle to adapt to a “new normal” of mom’s house, dad’s house, and new adult partners in the mix.

Austin writer Jennifer Newcomb Marine and her children’s stepmother,Carol Marine used their own experience around divorce and remarriage to write a book called Noone’s the Bitch; strengthening step families one mother/stepmother relationship at a time. If you are the mother or the step mother and you are seeking ways to create a bridge with the other woman in your child’s life, this book is definitely for you.

Starting this week, Jennifer is hosting a 6 week tele-conference, called Transformation Labs, for women seeking solutions for their own step-family relationships. Says Jennifer, “Creating a bridge enabled us to cobble the family nest back together again. It took time and sometimes we still go backwards, but we have created a foundation that is strong and durable. Now our kids have three adults in their lives who are on the same page, clucking and fretting over them, together. I know they feel loved. They have told me they feel heard.”

If you are in a stepfamily, or know someone who is, and want to learn how to build more connection into it all,  check out the work of Jennifer and Carol.

We interrupt your summer to bring you this important bit of information…

I’m doing a little summer reading over here. Some light stuff you know. This one in my hand is called Stop Arguing with Your Kids: how to win the battle of wills by making your child feel heard. It’s got some great information in it and it is especially pertinent in our household as we segue from school to summer. It’s stuff we might have known but need a bit of a reminder on. Big transitions call for refreshing the toolbox.

The section I’m currently working on is chapter 2: The Five Steps of Responsive Listening. In quick review, here they are:

1. At the first sign of an argument, check the impulse to argue back with your child and concentrate instead on listening to the child’s feelings.
2. Invite your child’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes – without defending or disagreeing (and to this I add, without judging)
3. Repeat the child’s position in your own words to show what you think he or she is thinking and feeling.
4. Ask the child to correct your impression or elaborate on his or her point of view.
5. Take time out to consider your decision – on minor matters by puasing before responding with our decision, or for more difficult situations by saying that you’ll talk more about it later.

Okay, now back to your summer. I wish you all a little peace in your own summer days. With less yelling and more enjoyable being. Together.

A friend’s daughter is attending camp this summer for 3 full days a week for free. They have created a great thing they call Co-op camp and all the girls involved attend 4 days a week – 3 of them for free. Here’s how it works… Each family takes the girls 1 day a week. The other 3 days the girls go to a different house. The parent is responsible for creating some camp like activity for the girls either at home or somewhere out in the community.

So far, and only one week into summer break, they have roller skated, swam in a creek and biked at the town veloway. In the weeks to come they’ll do some sewing, bowling, definitely more swimming and who knows what other fun stuff. The total cost is up to the parent – they can either find something free to do with the kids like a craft or a swimming hole or they can choose something with an entry free.

The cost benefits are obvious. Who doesn’t want to attend an innovative summer camp for free? One of the other benefits though is that the kids are getting to explore their own town in a way that they might not have done if just left to their parents devices and they are getting to do it with friends – thereby avoiding the summer cries of wanting to see more friends. And for the parents, they are then committing to spending one day each week solely dedicated to the pursuit of summer fun. Who doesn’t want to do that? In addition, one of the moms said she enjoys finding out about cool places and events in their own town which she might not have thought of or known of otherwise thereby giving her fodder for future family outings and activities.

This seems like total Slow Family to me. It’s slow, it’s connected and everyone involved is finding they are enjoying the summer more than they would have without it.

What ways are you finding to make summer more connected?

I am a co-founder of Slow Family Living but beyond that I am a writer. It was my writing actually that first inspired Carrie and I to collaborate. And from that collaboration came Slow Family. I often write about family life on my blog and cover such things as parenting four children, the funny points, the sweet points and the low points too.

Before the blog there were the essays. Also many about family life but about life in general: past, present and future. Sometimes they get sent off to magazines and get printed such as one coming up in the July issue of Mothering Magazine. Other times they get sent off and then sent back only to sit idle in my computer. Just recently I started compiling them, very slowly I might add, to this other site of mine called Writerisms. (I collect blogs for a hobby) There is one essay I just put up that I thought might be pertinent to Slow Family readers. It’s called From Where I Sit. And it’s about the experience of meeting each child where they are. And recognizing too the fleeting nature of it all.

photo by 500 pound leon

Summer’s nearly here. At least according to the school calendar. We’ve got just 6 days left of school and 2 of those are after the Memorial Day holiday so we know they’ll be sort of lackadaisical. We’re ready for school to be over. We’re just not so sure we’re ready for summer to begin. This weekend we’ll have a family meeting in order to make sure we’re all on the same page for starting up this next season of family living.

In a nutshell we’ll have to set some intentions and make some to-do lists. We’ll have to make sure too that we’re all on board for what’s coming up. Being together more for both work and play. And having lots and lots of time for friends and lots and lots of fun.

Oh, and getting some work done will be crucial too.

Last year we used our Family Summer Center that Kathie Sever and I created for Future Craft Collective and Craftzine. With a calendar and a planning center, it was the perfect way to make sure our summer’s reality met our expectations. How do you do it in your house?

We schedule just about everything in our lives. We schedule work. And exercise. And social time. And doctor’s appointments. And sports. And parties. And volunteer time too. Look at most any family calendar and you will see all sorts of activities, events, appointments and obligations.

Often though we are hesitant to create this same intention for family life. Or we schedule it but then if something else comes up we bump family time to the side as if it will just happen on its own.

But it doesn’t always. It needs the same intention and attention that we give most every other aspect of our lives.

I usually remember this. Most often we try to keep one day each weekend just for time with each other. But sometimes we forget. And we get back on the bandwagon of thinking that family time will just happen without any thought at all.

And then a little reminder comes in some form or fashion. And I am grateful to put it on the calendar again.

It’s spring here in Austin, TX and it has lingered much more luxuriously than I remember it doing in years past. The cool nights and mornings continue to surprise us all and the heat has barely set in even by late afternoon. This week marks the first of the 90 degree days and we all take a deep breath in anticipation of what’s to come.

photo by Leon Alesi 500poundleon.com

This time of year time seems to pick up speed a little bit as school calendars fill with all that was missed during the school year such as class trips and fund raisers and tests and end of school year celebrations. Yes, end of school year, as we recently realized there are just over 4 weeks remaining. The past couple of weeks have felt a little hectic here in our house where ordinarily we keep a thoughtful eye on keeping things relatively slow.

This past weekend however we took a collective deep breath. And we planned nothing. And we even canceled existing plans in exchange for nothingness. There were slight protests from the resident 12 year old but even she recognized the need to pull back and hang out and just be. So that’s what we did.

We ate meals together and prepped them together too. We had time for pancakes. And pedicures. And head massages in the grass. We read out loud and to ourselves. We wrote long neglected thank you notes. Cut out paper flowers for a first grade project. Picked out a potted plant for teacher appreciation week. Took walks around the neighborhood and bike rides too. Picked loquats from a neighbors tree. Found some mulberries down the street. Played tennis in the alley. And hockey in the grass. Spent two hours in the thrift store all together just because. And came home to write stories on the old typewriter we found there.

By Sunday night we felt ready to dive into this coming week which one glance at the calendar shows is equally full of spring time activities, events and obligations. Because of its nature, and its weather, and the fact that this season precedes the dog days, this time of year can tend toward the nutty. And we have discovered that if we don’t find some way to find some space in the other end of that spectrum, we crumble.  And we all get overwhelmed. And cranky. And we end up taking it out on each other.

So before it gets filled up with other obligations, we have penciled in some family time again this coming weekend. Not the entire weekend, like we did this past week. But a chunk. So if anyone asks, “are you guys free…” No is the answer. We’ve already got something scheduled.

GEVER TULLEY Founder of Tinkering School and author of Fifty Dangerous Things (you should let your children do)

with

CARRIE CONTEY, Ph D. Co-founder of Slow Family Living (slowfamilyliving.com) prenatal and perinatal psychologist, parenting coach, educator and consultant and BERNADETTE NOLL Co-founder of Slow Family Living and Future Craft Collective , writer and mother of four

CANT MAKE INNOVATION IN EDUCATION?

PLAY WITH GEVER TULLEY

Join us for a hands-on workshop for adults who want to learn the secrets of the Tinkering School approach and the structure of great learning experiences. Class size will be kept small (15 participants) so that a real conversation can take place. COST, $45 RSVP: KWILT@AUSTIN.RR.COM Sunday, 3/28, 6-8pm, Central Austin location TBA.

GOING OFF THE RAILS: PUBLIC TALK AT UT AUSTIN

Join Gever Tulley as he reveals the secrets of the Tinkering School process, explores the brain chemistry and structure of great learning experiences, and discusses the importance of danger and mystery. FREE ADMISSION

Monday, 3/29, 6:30-7:30 at the College of Fine Arts (on Trinity across from stadium), Room ART1.120 After the talk, Gever will take time to sign your copy of FIFTY DANGEROUS THINGS. The book will also be on sale at the event for $25.

Please bring cash or check, credit cards are not able to be accepted.

Thanks to Kami for organizing this amazing event. And to Jennifer too.