We are 25 minutes away from finishing the last Monday of the 2011/2012 school year. As always, it seems that the first day of school was simultaneously eons ago and yesterday. Our children have learned a lot, grown a lot, met new people, discovered new talents, and explored new ideas. It is a bittersweet time for most people I talk to – especially for my 5th grader leaving behind his elementary school and his king of the hill status and some of his friends who are scattering to different middle school this year. It’s definitely a sunrise, sunset kind of moment. Bittersweet for our homeschooled daughter too as the siblings are about to be around a lot more than before!

But here we are. Ready for one last week of school. Ready for the piles of half-filled notebooks and boxes of broken crayons and other detritus from the classrooms. And ready for summer and it’s long stretching days filled with long stretching shadows.

The kids can sleep in. Fill their time with activities of their own creation. Play. Read. Swim. Craft. Skate. Play. And sleep in some more. It is a time they all look forward to. Us too. Although admittedly there is a bit of a learning curve to filling all that time.

I’ve started what I call a “summer fun box”. It’s got random things in it that can be accessed when they’re seeking something to do. There are some craft books. Some word games. A wood burning kit and lots of little wood scraps. Cook books. A bag of marbles. That’s it so far. As I find other things that I think might spark the creativity I’ll throw them in there too.

Of course I’ll encourage a little idle downtime too. But too much of that only works for some of the members in our household.

How do you spark imaginations in your house? How do you let the days fall and fill? Do you have some tools of inspiring your kids onto creativity and exploration? Does idle time work for you and your kids?

I love summer. Even here in Texas. And I love the possibilities it presents for dreaming, creating and slowing down too. And I’m curious to hear how others walk this walk.

Mother’s day is coming. The day to celebrate, appreciate, laude and commemorate. As it approaches I think, oh, it’s a gift shop holiday, who cares. I remember my own mom implying sort of the same thing except for the year my mom, who never swore, said to us kids as we were simultaneously handing her cards and fighting over the last something or another, “Oh mother’s day, schmothers day, it’s all bullshit.”

Do you dismiss mother’s day as just another hallmark holiday? But then when the day arrives think things like, “hey, how come you didn’t do anything for me???” As kids it’s hard to know what to do. Make a card of course, but then what? Make a fuss? Leave mom alone? Celebrate her all day? Or just give her space to not mother for a few hours?

My friend and inspiration, Carrie Contey has written up a great little post on just how to avoid falling in this trap. How to figure out what we want and how to make it happen without requiring those around us to interpret our thought process. As she so eloquently puts it - stating what you want = getting what you need. Done and done!

However you choose to spend it, whether your kids are big or small, near or far, I hope you take a little time to celebrate and honor your own self. I plan on starting the day with a few appreciations of my own, state my time for a little time alone in the morning, and then after that, I’m just gonna go with the flow. Outside. Where the flow is sometimes a little easier to get into.

I just did a calendar check. Looks like there’s only 6 more weeks of school to go. Time to ponder summer plans and swimming holes and camps and craft projects and all the other things we can do with the long stretching hours of school-less days.

And time too to check in with your child’s teachers and see what they need in these last 6 weeks. It’s when the crunch for testing is over and the options for creative teaching expand. It’s time too when the kids get a little restless, especially those 5th graders who are experiencing their first dose of senioritis.

If you’ve planned on volunteering in the classroom, now’s your chance. And if you haven’t planned on it, might I recommend it? It’s a great way to connect with your kid in a whole different way. You’ll gain insight into their day to day and into their peer group and into the whole world where they spend a good deal of their awake time.

Ask your teacher what they need. Figure out what you can offer. And get in there for an hour or so. You’ll be glad you did. And who knows what you’ll end up creating.

I asked my two older kids yesterday if they had to apply percentages to my parenting joyfulness vs. my crankiness, what would it be. One said 75/25 and the other said 60/40. I wasn’t too dismayed by the 75/25 but 60/40??!! Seriously? That means almost half the time I seem cranky? That is just completely unacceptable. Later on my husband gave me a much higher score but still, if the kids view me as someone who’s cranky that much, something’s totally got to give.

So I made a goal of 90/10. That seemed doable and seemed more realistic that going for 100%. Even my daughter admitted that she didn’t really want a mom who was 100% joyful. Too much pressure to perform I guess. She also said sometimes she likes to get my goat and it wouldn’t be as fun if she knew I was always just gonna be on the joy bus. (she admitted it!!)

Shortly after this conversation I went to the grocery store with my son and we had a total joy fest. Seriously, we had so much fun. And I truly believe the fun factor was bumped simply because I made a choice to go for the joy. It felt that easy.

As we made our way through the store I let some things go that I might have corrected or fixed or minded before. I laughed at things that I might have felt the need to object to before – like when he said he was going to ride his skateboard down the empty aisle, I just smiled and thought to myself, go ahead. It won’t impact anyone and if it does, they’ll tell him. Instead of me being the one who objected or corrected I simply raised one eyebrow and smiled. He then laughed too and said he really had no intention of doing it, he was just joking. Then we played “what if…”. What if he really did it. What if we all did it. What if people were just going nuts riding up and down the aisles and swinging around the corners. Later on we took photos in the parking lot. I pulled him on his skateboard as we returned the cart to the cart lot. We played. We laughed. We still got everything done that needed to get done. Only it was way more fun. We even got a few smiles from passersby who were enjoying our playfulness. And it all took way less time than it would have otherwise.

There was a Lamborghini in the parking lot!

We went through the whole store like that and weirdly felt like we were on vacation. And I realized that’s what a decision for joy feels like. Like vacation. When I let certain things go that I might not let go of otherwise. When I move through tasks easily and fluidly because, well, we’re on vacation and the thing we’re doing right then is the only thing that matters.

And I realized too, that’s the feeling that joy brings. That what we’re doing at that very moment is really the only thing that matters. And doing it joyfully makes it easier, more fun, more connected and more satisfying.

I’m changing my goal to 95/5. That seems realistic for most days. And fun too. And I’m going to rate my own percentages at the end of each day. Who knows, I might even make up little rating cards for my family. RATE MOM’S JOY PERCENTAGE. But mostly it’ll be about a feeling. And when I feel it, I’ll know it for sure.

…and this is what it’s like.

I came to that conclusion many moons ago, when I was on the cusp of true adulthood, before partnership, before children. I was working the graveyard shift in an Austin cafe, sweeping the floor at 5am, after the late night crowds had left and before the shiny breakfast crew arrived. As I swept, I pondered, “I wonder what my life is going to be like.” And then I realized, “Oh, this is my life. And this is what it’s like.”

My mom, age 87, says it this way, “this is not a dress rehearsal. This is it.”

Now is what we’ve got. It’s up to us to make it good. Make it count. Make it joyful and fill the moments with the things we want in life. From this truth is the why and the where from which Slow Family Living really began, with the idea that this is what we’ve got. Right here. Right now. And we can make the moments count.

It’s sometimes hard to remember that within the minutiae we can find and create the joy and connection we truly desire. But sometimes all it takes is a shift of attitude. And a recognition that this is our life. And this is what it’s like.

This little video from The Happiness Project really sums it up nicely. Take a minute, that’s all it is, and treat yourself to a viewing. It sums up nicely the power of creating connection with all we love now in order to have the connection for our whole lives long.

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend at which a married couple served as the officiants. As they spoke to the bride and groom the one spoke of the need to keep a “soft eye,” a term he had heard on The Wire about the need to see the big picture rather than just focusing on the evidence in front of you.

“You know what you need at a crime scene? Soft eyes.” Detective Bunk

He instructed the bride and groom that in a marriage, it was necessary to keep a soft eye in order to keep seeing the whole scene. He told them not to focus on the one infraction or misspoken word but rather keep a soft eye on the love they had for each other.

I searched the term “soft eye” today and learned that it is a martial arts term, also used often in horseback riding, and means to take in the periphery of the scene – to take in everything but be distracted by nothing.  According to the Urban Dictionary a soft eye is “The ability to see the whole thing. If you have hard eyes, you’re just staring at the tree and missing the forest.”

In family life I can think of nothing more essential than to keep a soft eye.

What are we doing here all together? What is the essence of our family forest? Not what is happening right this minute but what is the overarching desire/feeling/emotion? What’s in our big picture?

How can we remember the joy, love and connection when there are harsh tones being used or piles of endless work to do or a child who won’t go to bed or seemingly incessant whining or hunger or fatigue on everyone’s part?

Keep a soft eye. Stay focused on the big picture.

I’m going to try it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*Thank you Eric!

I am fully immersed in the Hunger Games trilogy. I am notoriously a slow reader but I finished the first one in a week, looking for any moment possible to pick up the much read tattered copy and read a few pages. Deliciously compelling. And I found it amazing how often I could find a few minutes squeeze in a little reading time.

You know that feeling of a good book? When you can’t wait to steal a couple of minutes from the day in order to jump in? When you are somehow able to put everything else on the back burner in order to immerse yourself in the glorious world of whatever book has got your grip? It’s so satisfying and even decadent in a way. To put the world on hold in pursuit of this incredible immersion.

And then I started thinking…

What if…

What if we could apply that same feeling to family life? What if, when we were home together in the afternoons or evenings, we could give family time that same attention that we give to a really good book. What if, on weekends we would get stuff done in between the family time instead of the other way around.

I’m going to try it this week and see just how many moments I can steal away from the world in order to be with the best unfolding story tellers I know. One person, one day, one lifetime at a time.

Let the next chapter begin people, I’m ready!

A friend sent me this beautiful poem yesterday. Perhaps it caught my attention more than usual because I had woken up VERY early that morning and wrote a short piece myself about a similar topic. The piece I wrote was about remembering the love that started our families. It was about the fact that if we knew all there was to be done in family life we might not sign up at all but because we start in love it makes it all feel possible. And when we can remember and reignite that love and burning desire that started our families in the first place, it’s not only possible but very much joyful too. My piece you’ll be able to read in 2013 when it comes out in book form from Perigee Publishing. And this poem, that makes me cry everytime I read it, you can read right now…

Last week was spring break here in Austin. And the big SXSW film/interactive/music festival too which brings in a few hundred thousand extra people to town. We had house guests join in the fun. We went to a bunch of different parties and other outdoor events most of which were just a few blocks from our house. We had no real agenda although we had a loose idea of a schedule and we all had a pretty good time. There were some low points here and there usually having something to do with hunger or fatigue but overall I think everybody got what they needed. And by Sunday we all returned home tired but happy.

I talked to another mom today and they went camping for most of the week avoiding all the mayhem completely. By Sunday they too returned home rather satisfied at a week well spent.

Still another family stayed in town but barely left their yard and opted instead for tending to their garden, reading lots and lazing about in the temperate climate with just a hint of a drizzle. They too all got what they needed.

Yet another family of four took a crazy wild road trip going from place to place to place until they too all returned home tired but happy.

Which emphasizes a point I make quite a bit but which takes a reminder every now and again. We all like different things. Different families all have different ideas of what constitutes a good time. And we have different needs too in order to fill our proverbial vacation cups.

So I have a question for you – whether you’re heading into your own spring break, just finishing up, or dreaming about a big family trip in the future.

How do you describe a successful and satisfying family vacation?

On the road or at home? In town or far away? Action packed or sedentary? What are the elements you need to have your family vacation feel how you want it to feel? And for everyone in the family to feel like they got what they needed?

Want to try something fun today? Something that might push your boundaries a little bit. Maybe even make you a tad uncomfortable? But will (most likely) bring a day of total relaxation and bliss for your entire family?

Let them be.

Just for one day.

Photo by Katherine O Brien

Got a toddler who doesn’t want to take a bath? Let it be. Got a partner who doesn’t want to go to a party with the family? Let it be. Got a teen who wants to sleep until 2 in the afternoon? Let it be. Got a kid who doesn’t want to stop playing in order to come to the table to eat supper? Let it be. Got an adolescent who wants to lay in bed all day reading even though it’s lovely out and you think he ought to be outside playing? Let it be. Want to stay in your pajamas all day? Let it be.

Just for one day. Let it all just be.

Let everyone and everything just be what it is.

I know it can’t really be like this all the time. There’s too much going on and there’s too many things that need doing. But I wonder if for one day, if we played at really just letting it all be, we might realize that sometimes, we can let things be a little more than we do in the name of everyone getting what they need.

I wonder. What would happen.

And since we lose an hour this weekend anyway, it seems like a perfect time to try it out.