I have realized lately that I love Valentines Day just about more than any other holiday. It brings together so many of the things that are so important to me – appreciation, crafts, letter writing, chocolate and all done in the name of love.  What’s not to love?

I’m not talking the commercial celebration of it all – the guilt, the obligatory rose, the holy crap I don’t have a gift to give kind of feeling.

I’m talking the heart of it all. The sharing of the expression of love. The letting people know just how much they are appreciated and valued and loved. Truly loved. No other strings necessary or attached. Love is where the heart is. The heart is where the love is.

I’ve decided this year I am going to extend the holiday to be more than just a day. I’m going to stretch it into an entire season starting, well, starting now I guess. I have dug out the necessary paper, scissors and glue. I am clearing a place on our table which will be active for the next 3 weeks at least. We are going to make cards and we are going to write love letters to each other and to family members spread around the country.

If Christmas can be extended like it is, why not Valentines Day? Starting today I’m going to write one love letter a day in an effort to spread the love. I’m going to start with my own family under my own roof then I’m going to send them far and wide. And perhaps the beauty of love is, giving it is just as much fun as getting it. Gotta love that!

Today I worked 12 hours away from the home. These past couple of weeks actually I’ve been  taken  away from the home for long stretches. Fortunately I have a good support team at home, including our newest 24 year old family member who is staying with us for a while which I won’t go too deeply into but I will say, if you ever get a chance to welcome in a 20-something family member into your home when you’ve got youngins in the house, you should LEAP at the chance. It is heaven for us all. But I digress, and I am back to being away for long times.  And back to tonight.

Tonight I got home just before bed. And even though I hadn’t seen everyone all day, we found a little nugget of slow and connection and it was enough to make it so that the end of the night felt full up instead of drained. Really.

After bed prep and papers looked at and teeth brushed and the like we all just laid in the big bed together. Well, I say all, but really me and three of the four. And we talked. Shared our highs and lows and just sort of rolled around. Bedtime was a little later than usual but not much and by the time I tucked them all in, they were all feeling seen. And heard. And I was feeling connected – which I was not when I came into the house just before. And it wasn’t anything huge. Or earth shattering. It was really just a settling into where we were at that very moment in time. Together. In that bed. In that room. In this house. On this earth. That’s all.

And then that magical meditation on the side of the bed and goodnight kids.

Sometimes it just works. Sometimes we are able to find the connection in even the smallest of moments. Tonight was one of those nights. And for that I am oh so grateful.

I’ll take slow where I can get it.

I’ve been struggling lately with bedtime for the 4 year old. Well, 4 and 5/6ths  actually. On the very tangible cusp of 5 and feeling it in a big, big way.

I was sharing that info with my dear friend and co-author, Kathie. We have been sharing parenting tales, ideas and inspirations for years. Who would know she had yet another trick up her sleeve. Here’s what she does…

At the end of the bedtime ritual, when the teeth have been brushed and the jammies on and the stories read, she dims the lights and sets her timer for 15 minutes. All is quiet. Kids are tucked and all the needs have been met (or denied!). She told her kids that she would stay in the room for that period as long as all was calm and quiet. While they drift off, she gets in her daily 15 minutes of meditation. Or breathing. Or stillness. Or whatever you want to call it. And it works. And everyone gets what they need.

She gets her time. They get her presence.

Before I extolled its virtues I decided to give it a try with my 4 almost 5 year old. We read our nightly story. Then his one last trip to the bathroom. Lights dimmed. Snuggle up. Kiss goodnight. Timer set. 15 minutes.

It worked. It works. It’s working. And I love it! Because before I would try to get those 15 minutes in at my own bedtime during which time I’d be really exhausted and rather than linger in it and enjoy it, it felt like a burden. And this way it feels like a treat. And I leave the room feeling full rather than drained. A total victory for me.

And he loves it! A last little connect before sleep for him. Full of love instead of angst.

And we all lived happily ever after.

Thanks to Kathie and her brilliant ideas.

We’re back to school now a couple of weeks. All are settling into new routines, new friendships, new lessons learned. We’re finding our groove and mostly I’d say we’re doing pretty well.

I did 2 radio interviews yesterday for 2 Canadian stations (I’m big in Canada!) about back to school and finding the familial groove of your own. We talked about slowing down. Asking my favorite question, “Is this working for us?” Pondering before committing. And also scheduling times for the family that are intentionally tech/screen/phone free. No games. No phones. No computers or televisions. Just face time. Real face time that is. And family. Even if it’s just for an hour, making sure that we schedule it in so that the family can take some time just being together.

After the interview I asked my 8 year old how she thought I did with the phone/tech stuff. “As your mom, on a scale of 1-10, how do I handle the screen/phone/tech time?” She pondered. She put her finger on her chin which is her sign that she is really measuring it all up.

“Seven!” she declared. “No eight. No! 7 and a half. You do pretty good but you could do better.”

Out of the mouths of babes. I’ll take that score. And I’ll try and raise it one. I’m going back to turning my phone off in the evening hours. Not just buzzing in my pocket. But off. I’ll let you know how it goes.

If you ask your own kids, what kind of score do you think they would give you?

This time of year there is much academic assessment going on. In schools across the country teachers are trying to determine what each child already knows as they cross the threshold of the classroom. Different ages, different needs, different abilities, different tests. There’s a lot of pressure on teachers to perform according to state standards and hence a lot of pressure on the kids too to perform according to those same standards. With not a lot of wiggle room for different kids, different likes, different talents.

Magical Childhood just posted a beautiful entry entitled: What a Four Year Old Should Know. It’s a beautiful and thoughtful list that talks of the humanness of our being-ness. It’s not about being able to count by a certain date on a calendar but holding the belief that you are safe . It’s not about knowing the states or planets, but knowing that you are loved. It’s for 4 year olds but really, it’s true for all ages of children. Read it when you have a minute.

Childhood should not be a race to the most or the end or the biggest. But rather a lingering in the true magic of childhood. We only get this one fleeting time. Why rush it?

I got this great message sent to me by my friend Kathie, who is often sending me great tidbits of wisdom of her own or others. This bit of parenting wisdom came from an interview with the German philosopher we all know and love: Eckhart Tolle .

I love his reminder that teaching comes from modeling. I love using our own meltdowns to remind ourselves and our children that the emotion is not us. It is just emotion. And it washes over us and through us but then it is done. I love his reminders that actual experience speaks volumes over virtual ones. I love the way that reading Eckhart Tolle echoes in my head with a German accent.

I’ve highlighted some of the points that particularly spoke to me. Does this speak to you? (Feel free to read it with a German accent if you like.)

Q: Can we help our children and others that we love to transcend their unconsciousness?  Or is it necessary for them to go through it on their own?

ET: There are more children born nowadays who may not have to go through the deep unconsciousness that [adults] had to go through, certainly that I had to go through.  And also there are more children born nowadays to parents who are in the awakening process, or relatively conscious parents. In my generation, I can’t think of any conscious parents.  There might have been some, but it was rare.  They are still rare now, but much less rare than before.  I loved my parents, but they were deeply unconscious.  So, the question is how to help the children stay relatively conscious, so that they do not get drawn into the mass unconsciousness that still pervades mass culture, and the technology that promotes unconsciousness and addictive behavior.

The most powerful teaching is not what you say or do to them, but your state of consciousness at home. That’s the very foundation for teaching your children.  It has nothing to do with teaching, the foundation for transmitting consciousness is not even wanting to transmit consciousness to them, but to hold the space of presence as you interact with them at home.  Also, to hold presence as much as possible as you interact with your partner.  There’s a relationship there that will infect them, with either presence or painbody.

The most vital thing is, before even thinking of doing anything, is being conscious.  They observe how you behave, and they take that on board to some extent. Of course, another influence is mass culture, as they spend more time at school.  Occasionally there may be things that you can point out to them, so that they stay in touch with immediate experience, sensory experience.  Don’t let them lose touch with nature. So many children these days are so involved in technological games, they don’t experience nature anymore.  It’s something totally alien to them.  That’s a very harmful thing.  It’s a great deprivation, to be deprived of the immediate experience of the natural world, which puts you in touch with deeper levels of your own being.  To have an animal at home is a great help.  If children relate to the dog, it’s a non-conceptual relationship.  You can touch the dog, look after the dog.  Getting out into nature periodically, without the gadgets that [kids] usually have.

[Watching] television is a state of semi-comotose hypnosis.  It may not be easy because everybody else is doing that kind of thing.  It’s not that you have to eliminate that kind of activity completely, but discourage them from spending 100% of their free time with those things.  Take them into nature, without the gadgets.  Encourage them to direct sensory experience – to touch, to feel, to look at things.  Encourage them to not confuse conceptual labeling with true knowledge or experience.

When [kids] are learning language, encourage them not to equate concepts with reality.  When you teach them what something is, encourage them to touch it, to see it, to feel it, not just to say, “this is called such-and-such”.  Continue to look at it.  Otherwise, you stop experiencing – and all you have is a mental label.

Questioner: They label themselves, as well.  I’ve noticed this with my daughter, she will come home and say “I’m stupid” at this or that.

ET: That’s a good way to encourage her not to identify with her thoughts.  So if you can point out that it’s just a thought, and that they don’t have to believe in every thought that comes.   If you can somehow work with them to have them realize that they are not their thoughts, so that there’s a space between them and their thoughts, to observe their thoughts, and when thoughts come you can explain “it’s no more than a thought” and it may not be the reality, it may not be true.

Most humans have painbody.  Dis-identify from the painbody by pointing out that this is the painbody.  I’ve often said not to call it “painbody” for the children.  Give it a name, call it something, and mention it when occasionally they get taken over by it.  Point it out to them afterwards, “what was that, that took you over?” so that an awareness develops.  There’s the emotion, and there’s the awareness. Encourage that kind of thing, so that they are able to look at the emotion that takes them over from time to time.  And after the event, not during the event initially, say to them, “What was it that took you over when you started screaming yesterday?  What was that?” and say, “What does it feel like?” or invent some game, so that you can make it into something that they can be aware of.  Then “let’s wait for next time it comes, and see how it feels”.  If you have it, then you can point out after you’ve woken up from your painbody – “the same thing happened to me”. The key in education is to show the possibility of being aware, rather than always being identified with what arises in their mind.

This week, back to school week, bedtimes are a little stressful. We’re all out of practice. We’re all more tired than ever. The kids are a bit overwhelmed with the muchness of going back to school. And even the homeschooler is feeling the anxiety of returning to routines and demands and schedules.

So, at bedtime the other night, when the 8 year old was having a bit of a meltdown and not wanting to brush her teeth and not wanting to put away her art supplies in exchange for sleep and just generally not wanting or seemingly able to do anything I needed her to do, I was about to lose it right along with her.

I slammed a cup down on the counter and on the way into her room, I caught myself, and I paused and I took a few really deep, long, slow cleansing breaths. Really. The same kind we all used in birthing these kids of ours. And I asked myself, “what does she need?” And the answer came and I could feel calmness and compassion take over my whole being.

Instead of slamming into her room all mad, the breaths helped me catch myself. And I did. And the question helped me respond to her need and realize too that she wasn’t just doing that to make me mad. She really needed something. And in that moment the something she needed was simple. It was me.

When I walked into her room and approached her in her bed where she was thrashing about I didn’t say a word. Instead I went to her slowly and flipped her on her belly and started stroking her back. Kind of hard at first. Not hard, aggressive but hard with great intention; like I  wanted to press her body into the mattress where I knew it wanted to be.

After an initial resistance, which was fleeting, I could feel her settling under my touch. And I leaned into her ear and “sssshhhhhd”. Like the white noise sounds we used when she was just a babe that allowed her to settle after overstim. In between the sssshhh’s I leaned into her ear and repeated my mantra for the minute, “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”  I could feel her melting underneath my touch and my spell. For 10 minutes or so. Maybe 12. Not even 15.   I fought the urge to glance at my phone or to leave too fast to get the dishes finished or the email checked or Facebook revisited and I just allowed myself to settle with her.

And when we parted ways we both felt so so good. She was just this side of sleep. I was calm and restored – instead of angsty and tense. And the whole thing didn’t take any longer than it would have if I’d freaked out and she’d freaked out and she ended up in bed crying. Less in fact.

So that little tagline of Slow Family – slow down, connect, enjoy? It really works. When we remember. And when our own cups are filled at least a little.  And it all feels better in the end. More relaxed. More connected. More joyful.

So how do we put ourselves of being in the position to do this all the time?

That is definitely the question.

I guess I just like collaboration. It’s part of growing up in a huge family and also having a big(ish) family now. All of life is a collaboration so why not my work too?

This latest endeavor of mine is a merge of both Slow Family and Future Craft Collective in that it combines sustainable and mindful art and craft for children with a little bit of slowing down and pondering and creative time for the mamas too. (in their own space!) While we offer a creative class for the children, we’ll also be offering an opportunity for mamas (and papas too if they like) a chance to sit and craft, do a little writing, talk with other parents, or just take a little walk on their own down South Congress Avenue. In addition to merging my two worlds, this class will be a collaborative effort with my friend Andrea of Primavera Montessori School and Andrea’s art class, who is an amazing artist and teacher!

Photo by Katherine O'Brien

If you’re in Austin and have a 3-5 year old, and you’re seeking a little creative time of your own, whether tangible or emotional, this could be the class for you. We’re excited about it. And we look forward to getting started! Here’s the details…

Creative Class

for 3-5 year olds…with a little something creative for the parents too

An incredible new art class for your child and an opportunity for you as a parent to have a little relaxing, creative time of your own!

In this brand new offering from Andrea Fiore and Bernadette Noll, we’ll offer art exploration for your 3-5 year old, 1 or 2 mornings a week for one hour. While your child learns, you’ll be encouraged to settle in, relax and create – in an outdoor space with other parents, where there will be a craft offered, writing prompts about family life or art supplies made available. Or, if you’d rather, you can walk the short block toS. Congress Avenuefor a coffee or a bite, knowing your child is learning to explore his own creativity in an art experience like no other. Either way, you win! And so does your child. Read more…

Oh, it’s that time of year again that always feels more like a new year than the actual new year. New ideas, new starts, new teachers, new notebooks and new chance to try something new! If you’re like me, it’s a good time to break into some brand new habits for yourself or for the whole family!

There’s lots new happening at Slow Family these next couple of months. (Don’t make me say Fall because it’s 105 degrees and Fall isn’t really even a memory right now). There’s more Babysitting workshops for kids on the books. And a whole new schedule of Tuesday Night Teleclasses for adults on everything from parenting 3, 4 or more to slowing down family life to pondering home school and more. Teleclasses are a great format for taking in info! And they’re super slow – because there’s no hurrying to get where you’re going – just a settling into a quiet space (or even just muting your phone!) so you can tune in, listen and enjoy. Jump in on one if you can.

And this next one is a brand new workshop that I’m really excited about  – for kids ages 11-14 who need a little guidance learning life’s navigation…

CONNECT + REFLECT: September 24th, 2011 10am-1:30pm

• Do you know or have a child who is ready or wanting to begin navigating this world of ours?
• Do you want to set your child free but wish him to be a bit more discerning in his discoveries?
• Do you want your child to feel a greater connection to the people and places she encounters on her way so that she can feel safer and more empowered?
• Do you want him to develop his intuition and learn to tune in to his gut?

As we take this workshop onto the streets, we will discuss why we need to occasionally unplug from the virtual and plug into the actual . We’ll discover ways to connect with ourselves, with the real world and the people we encounter along the way – and why life can be easier and safer when we do. We’ll find methods for giving and gaining respect wherever we may be – at school, home or on the streets. Threaded through it all, we’ll discuss how to tune into our intuition and why our gut can serve as our guide as we navigate this world of ours. (class size is limited!)

After a couple of test runs I am really looking forward to getting more kids out in the field with this one!  It will be an honor to escort them on their journey into this brave new world and into their own intuition!

We just looked at the calendar and realized it’s less than just over a week until school starts. WHAT??? Already??? It’s this time of year when I think homeschooling everyone might be kind of fun. I at least enjoy the idea that it’s an idea.

We’re trying to get our heads in the game as far as what it means to start up again with the 6:45 alarm and the homework and the lunches, but honestly, we usually opt for more of a baptism by fire. In some ways that works – especially as far as the rising early goes – but in some ways it sort of catches us off guard.

One thing we do every year is have a little back to school family party the night before. We state some high points of the summer. We all set some goals of things we want to have happen this school year, what we might want to learn or do.  And we celebrate our life together as a family. If you have some things you do each year to make it breezy, I’d love to hear them!

Suz Lipman at Slow Family Online, a great site and resource for all things family, just posted a great list of ways to intentionalize the back to school process – for yourself and for your whole family. It’s a good one with lots of amazing tips. Check it out when you have a few minutes.

And if you’re going back to school here in Austin, be sure to check out our 4th annual Zilker Elementary Back to School Clothes Swap. Bring what you can. Take what you need. We’ll have clothes from infants to adults. As usual, we’ll have sewers and screen printers on hand to help you one-of-a-kind a fave garment picked from the piles. Come and swap and see what amazing ensembles you can put together for back to school!