It’s the time of year for thank-you notes! A habit I love to model and encourage in my children. And one that I know isn’t always that easy to do – especially when there are so many to say thanks to and so much to be thankful for! Sometimes those lists just feel overwhelming. To me and to the kids.

This year we have a new way of doing them. A way that not only says thanks but encourages family connection as well. Read about it on Future Craft Collective and then gather the family for a little collaborative gratitude session!

I have really been examining my listening skills lately. Realizing in that examination that often I am either distracted or I try to talk my kids and partner out of what they’re feeling or wanting or needing. Really. A little song, dance, explanation or solution to get them back to happy. Even when they don’t want a fix, I offer it. Even when they’re really just venting, I try to convince them that it’s not true what they’re experiencing or feeling. Even when they don’t need me to do anything but just be there and listen, I tend to talk, offer solutions and ideas. Sometimes on top of their own words. Too many words. Too much noise. Too much input.

I’ve always been a talker, that much is true.  I even have a certificate from 8th grade proving it: MOST TALKATIVE. As if that wasn’t enough there is another one right behind it: CLASS CLOWN. A dangerous combination in the classroom has become even more treacherous in the home.

But I’m trying to change that.

Not that I’m going to get all quiet and serious. Hell no. But I am going to try to shut it a bit more when my family is talking. I am going to try to just let the good members of my family vent, share, talk, express and even ramble a little bit. (Is that a judgment? the ramble part?) It has taken me a long time to learn/realize that when they are talking, for the most part they’re not really seeking input. Rather they just want a sounding board. And with all of them, from the nearly 5 year old on up to the 45 year old partner, the more I let them talk, the more I listen, the more I learn and the more they eventually come to their own conclusions about what they want/need/feel. Without any help from their armchair psychologist/class clown of a mother/partner.

It’s kind of hard for me but in the end it’s really way easier. And it’s good for me to have a daily goal. And in the end too there are/will be far fewer arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and the like. And there are/will be far more own conclusions and remedies for what is ailing them.

There are lots of words for it: empathic listening, active listening, responsive listening, reflective listening. And there are lots of amazing books on it and experts. But really, what it boils down to for me is presence to the people I’m with and the task at hand. In this case the people being family and the task being to just be there. Pure and simple.

Today I worked 12 hours away from the home. These past couple of weeks actually I’ve been  taken  away from the home for long stretches. Fortunately I have a good support team at home, including our newest 24 year old family member who is staying with us for a while which I won’t go too deeply into but I will say, if you ever get a chance to welcome in a 20-something family member into your home when you’ve got youngins in the house, you should LEAP at the chance. It is heaven for us all. But I digress, and I am back to being away for long times.  And back to tonight.

Tonight I got home just before bed. And even though I hadn’t seen everyone all day, we found a little nugget of slow and connection and it was enough to make it so that the end of the night felt full up instead of drained. Really.

After bed prep and papers looked at and teeth brushed and the like we all just laid in the big bed together. Well, I say all, but really me and three of the four. And we talked. Shared our highs and lows and just sort of rolled around. Bedtime was a little later than usual but not much and by the time I tucked them all in, they were all feeling seen. And heard. And I was feeling connected – which I was not when I came into the house just before. And it wasn’t anything huge. Or earth shattering. It was really just a settling into where we were at that very moment in time. Together. In that bed. In that room. In this house. On this earth. That’s all.

And then that magical meditation on the side of the bed and goodnight kids.

Sometimes it just works. Sometimes we are able to find the connection in even the smallest of moments. Tonight was one of those nights. And for that I am oh so grateful.

I’ll take slow where I can get it.

This time of year there is much academic assessment going on. In schools across the country teachers are trying to determine what each child already knows as they cross the threshold of the classroom. Different ages, different needs, different abilities, different tests. There’s a lot of pressure on teachers to perform according to state standards and hence a lot of pressure on the kids too to perform according to those same standards. With not a lot of wiggle room for different kids, different likes, different talents.

Magical Childhood just posted a beautiful entry entitled: What a Four Year Old Should Know. It’s a beautiful and thoughtful list that talks of the humanness of our being-ness. It’s not about being able to count by a certain date on a calendar but holding the belief that you are safe . It’s not about knowing the states or planets, but knowing that you are loved. It’s for 4 year olds but really, it’s true for all ages of children. Read it when you have a minute.

Childhood should not be a race to the most or the end or the biggest. But rather a lingering in the true magic of childhood. We only get this one fleeting time. Why rush it?

Things change in summer. Bedtime hours vary. Schedules are more random. More books are read in a week than during a month of the school year. Even with our early rising for summer swim team, we don’t keep such an eye on bedtime because of the knowledge that a midday siesta is definitely a possibility. Life in general feels a little more spacious even when we are doing lots of things and seeing lots of people.

I think it’s partly the long hours of daylight that give us this spacious feeling. Or maybe it’s that we’re more in control of our unscheduled time because it doesn’t hold so much homework or so many meetings or fundraising obligations.

Maybe though it’s just an illusion. Which is fine with me, because illusion is part of reality anyway. And this illusion  should serve me once school starts back again in fall and I can take on this same spacious feeling.

I’m curious how others feel in the summer. I’m wondering whether this feeling is sort of universal or whether its a fabrication of my own mindset. Is it just that I relax more in these days? Or is there actually more time and space allotted? How does your summer feel? Does your family operate differently in the summer than during the school year?

Curiously yours,

Bernadette

We schedule just about everything in our lives. We schedule work. And exercise. And social time. And doctor’s appointments. And sports. And parties. And volunteer time too. Look at most any family calendar and you will see all sorts of activities, events, appointments and obligations.

Often though we are hesitant to create this same intention for family life. Or we schedule it but then if something else comes up we bump family time to the side as if it will just happen on its own.

But it doesn’t always. It needs the same intention and attention that we give most every other aspect of our lives.

I usually remember this. Most often we try to keep one day each weekend just for time with each other. But sometimes we forget. And we get back on the bandwagon of thinking that family time will just happen without any thought at all.

And then a little reminder comes in some form or fashion. And I am grateful to put it on the calendar again.

It seems each child of mine pops up in a whole new stage this time of year. Like a new part of their being is born, new skills are mastered, new ideas are formulated. It’s wild to watch them slide into the next and it’s inspiring too to those of us supposedly past all these developmental spurts.

Our three year old has just learned the art of drawing people. A circle. Two arms. Two legs. Two eyes. And, for him who is obsessed with ears, two of those as well.

The 7 year old has moved onto chapter books and a whole new world awaits her.

The 10 year old is speed skating down the alley in his new roller blades. Olympic dreams in his head.

The 12 year old is drawing like crazy, doing portraits in black and white. In a style we’ve never seen in her drawings before.

These new skills sometimes present in a troubled way at first.  As they work toward the newness, the shift, the big idea, they take a step back. They protest things a little bigger and a little more. They forget things they used to know.

Sometimes I remember that in the shifting comes the discomfort and the agony. But I don’t always. And I ask, “what the heck is wrong with them? Why are they acting this way? Why are they yelling/fighting/resisting/etc.?” And then the newness. And I smack myself on the forehead in recognition of the learning curve.

And me? I’m trying on this new hat of public speaking and loving it. Readings of essays. Story telling. Talks on parenting and slow family and any other topic that hits me close to home. It was a push to my edge at first. Now it’s a new love of mine.

I love spring and all the possibilities it presents. All the newness and the challenges to live our lives more fully as ourselves.

And I love when struggles have an explanation.

Our nugget of the week. Or month. Or random segment of time as the case may be…
Behold the Power of the Pause.

In our days, weeks, lives,
Whatever we see, hear, feel, read,
Allow it in.

And take a pause.

In the pause is the integration of all of life’s inspiration.

So, before you move on.
Before you react.
Before you continue to do, do, do…

Just be.

Allow the power of the pause.

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We love TED talks. We especially love TED talks when they are about slow living. Check out our friend and inspiration Carl Honore, author of  In Praise of Slowness and Under Pressure: Rescuing our children from the cult of hyper parenting giving his TED talk.

Click here to view it.

Maybe one day we’ll give a TED talk…

Lisa Belkin has a parenting blog on the New York Times website. She did a post on Slow Parenting. Check it out!