Things change in summer. Bedtime hours vary. Schedules are more random. More books are read in a week than during a month of the school year. Even with our early rising for summer swim team, we don’t keep such an eye on bedtime because of the knowledge that a midday siesta is definitely a possibility. Life in general feels a little more spacious even when we are doing lots of things and seeing lots of people.

I think it’s partly the long hours of daylight that give us this spacious feeling. Or maybe it’s that we’re more in control of our unscheduled time because it doesn’t hold so much homework or so many meetings or fundraising obligations.

Maybe though it’s just an illusion. Which is fine with me, because illusion is part of reality anyway. And this illusion  should serve me once school starts back again in fall and I can take on this same spacious feeling.

I’m curious how others feel in the summer. I’m wondering whether this feeling is sort of universal or whether its a fabrication of my own mindset. Is it just that I relax more in these days? Or is there actually more time and space allotted? How does your summer feel? Does your family operate differently in the summer than during the school year?

Curiously yours,

Bernadette

When a family splits, the trauma often reverberates for years, as family members struggle to adapt to a “new normal” of mom’s house, dad’s house, and new adult partners in the mix.

Austin writer Jennifer Newcomb Marine and her children’s stepmother,Carol Marine used their own experience around divorce and remarriage to write a book called Noone’s the Bitch; strengthening step families one mother/stepmother relationship at a time. If you are the mother or the step mother and you are seeking ways to create a bridge with the other woman in your child’s life, this book is definitely for you.

Starting this week, Jennifer is hosting a 6 week tele-conference, called Transformation Labs, for women seeking solutions for their own step-family relationships. Says Jennifer, “Creating a bridge enabled us to cobble the family nest back together again. It took time and sometimes we still go backwards, but we have created a foundation that is strong and durable. Now our kids have three adults in their lives who are on the same page, clucking and fretting over them, together. I know they feel loved. They have told me they feel heard.”

If you are in a stepfamily, or know someone who is, and want to learn how to build more connection into it all,  check out the work of Jennifer and Carol.

We interrupt your summer to bring you this important bit of information…

I’m doing a little summer reading over here. Some light stuff you know. This one in my hand is called Stop Arguing with Your Kids: how to win the battle of wills by making your child feel heard. It’s got some great information in it and it is especially pertinent in our household as we segue from school to summer. It’s stuff we might have known but need a bit of a reminder on. Big transitions call for refreshing the toolbox.

The section I’m currently working on is chapter 2: The Five Steps of Responsive Listening. In quick review, here they are:

1. At the first sign of an argument, check the impulse to argue back with your child and concentrate instead on listening to the child’s feelings.
2. Invite your child’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes – without defending or disagreeing (and to this I add, without judging)
3. Repeat the child’s position in your own words to show what you think he or she is thinking and feeling.
4. Ask the child to correct your impression or elaborate on his or her point of view.
5. Take time out to consider your decision – on minor matters by puasing before responding with our decision, or for more difficult situations by saying that you’ll talk more about it later.

Okay, now back to your summer. I wish you all a little peace in your own summer days. With less yelling and more enjoyable being. Together.

We schedule just about everything in our lives. We schedule work. And exercise. And social time. And doctor’s appointments. And sports. And parties. And volunteer time too. Look at most any family calendar and you will see all sorts of activities, events, appointments and obligations.

Often though we are hesitant to create this same intention for family life. Or we schedule it but then if something else comes up we bump family time to the side as if it will just happen on its own.

But it doesn’t always. It needs the same intention and attention that we give most every other aspect of our lives.

I usually remember this. Most often we try to keep one day each weekend just for time with each other. But sometimes we forget. And we get back on the bandwagon of thinking that family time will just happen without any thought at all.

And then a little reminder comes in some form or fashion. And I am grateful to put it on the calendar again.

It’s not always easy to listen to our kids. Sometimes they want to talk when we’re in the middle of doing something else. Or when we’re tired. Or when we’re rushing to go somewhere else. But if we want to know what’s going on in their heads and worlds and hearts, we have to listen when they’re willing to talk. And though I often forget, we have to try to keep our opinions to ourselves unless they are directly solicited. And even then, tread lightly.

Here are a few things I’ve learned. Or rather, a few things I am continuously learning, as I strive to be a better listener to my kids. As I strive to offer less input. As I strive to remember that they are them and I am me – each with our own needs, feelings, ideas and wants…

• Take advantage of certain times of day when we know our children might be willing to share. Bedtime? Snack time?
• When our children are talking about concerns, stop whatever we are doing and listen. Really stop. And turn our mind, body and spirit towards our child. If we give them half an ear, we will get half-hearted stories.
• Express interest in what they are saying without being opinionated. This is a hard one especially if they are sharing something painful. We want to fix it. Make it better. But that’s not always what they want.
• Listen to their point of view, even if it’s difficult to hear.
• Let them complete their point before we respond. Even then, respond slowly. Check in with what they are really wanting. Ask if they want feedback or just an ear. And assume this will change from time to time.
• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.  Also, this way they know they are heard. Fully. Only then will we get the full story. If they feel dismissed in any way, they will dismiss us completely and instantly.
• Talk to them about things going on in your world. By modeling this sharing, we can teach them how to share.

What tricks or tools of listening have you learned? As the parent of four, with the oldest now just shy of her teen years, I am seeking all the tools I can get.

I got a beautiful Christmas card from a cousin of mine in Oakland California. It had photos of her throughout the year on her many worldly travels. Pictures too of friends and family here and there. And a very simple list, right down the middle of the page, of simple ways we as individuals can take steps to build and expand community. There are things we can do everyday, and others we can do randomly throughout the year. Things we can do on our own. And things we can do in a group. Things we can do on a whim. And others that will take a little planning.

She got the list from a site called Simple Living. It seems like a great way to kick off the new year! Here it is for all of you to try in your own communities…

• Turn off your TV
• Leave your house
• Know your neighbors
• Look up when you are walking
• Greet people
• Sit on your front stoop
• Plant flowers
• Use your library
• Play together
• Buy local
• Share what you have
• Help a lost dog
• Take children to the park
• Garden together
• Support neighborhood schools
• Fix it even if you didn’t break it
• Have pot lucks
• Honor elders
• Pick up litter
• Read stories aloud
• Dance in the street
• Talk to the mail carrier
• Listen to the birds
• Put up a swing
• Help carry something heavy
• Barter for your goods and services
• Start a tradition
• Ask a question
• Hire young people for odd jobs
• Organize a block party
• Bake/Cook extra and share
• Ask for help when you need it
• Open your shades
• Sing together
• Share your skills
• Take back the night
• Turn up the music
• Turn down the music
• Listen before you react in anger
• Mediate a conflict
• Seek to understand
• Learn from new and uncomfortable angles
• Know that no one is silent though many are not heard. Work to change this.

To this list I would add…

• Talk to the homeless
• Sweep the front sidewalk
• Park in your driveway instead of your garage
• Put free stuff on the curb
• Make and deliver collections for those less fortunate: canned goods, shoes, books, etc
• Have friends over for dinner
• Take a walk around the block
• Plan a nature hike with friends

What would you add to your list?

I was talking with a friend last night who has two daughters in the tween set. They have just begun, in earnest, their fall schedule of lessons, teams, exercise and social time.  A glance at the calendar shows not a lot of room during the week for much else.

For a while she was lamenting how busy they all were. A couple nights a week they were eating dinner late. Some days they were heading out after school in a dash towards a class or a group. Time was definitely dished out in small, scheduled doses. And she was feeling a little frazzled.

They had a little family meeting and looked at all they were doing. And as they examined each activity and its merits, they all came to the realization that each thing they were doing was a passion and a completely conscious choice. The lessons, the teams, the social activities and the exercise. There were no half-baked feelings in the mix. And not one activity that any of them wanted to eliminate.

So my friend decided right then and there that what needed to shift was not their schedule, but her attitude. Rather than walk around lamenting how busy they all were, she exulted in the fullness of their life. When one daughter was at a lesson, she seized the moment to take a slow, chatty walk with another. When the other was immersed in practice, she took the chance to connect with the other over homework or a hot chocolate at a cafe. And when they were all sitting down to dinner at 7:30 instead of 6:00, she rejoiced in the fact that the four of them were sitting down to dinner together.

Sometimes slow family living isn’t about cutting back on activities. Or emptying the calendar. It is about taking the pause and asking yourself, “Is this working?” And whatever the answer, it is about finding the connection in it all. For it is that connection that will sustain a family for now when the kids are young and at home, and for years down the road when the children are grown maybe even raising families of their own.

And it is about taking the time to slow down, connect and enjoy the family life you are living.

…is here!! This is the all new version and vastly improved Slow Family Living handbook complete with tips, tools, ideas and practical ways you can slow down, connect and truly enjoy family life. This 33 page booklet loaded with questions and information, has got the whys, the ways and the how-to’s for the typical sticky points of family life. And a list of 100 things you can do to truly savor the lusciousness of your connected family life.

Slow has become my barometer for family life. My husband says I say it to everyone, whether they understand the status or not as in, “No we just can’t do that this weekend, it’s not feeling slow.” He’s afraid someone might take it the wrong way, or get offended but really, it’s the only thing I’ve got to go on sometimes. It really has become one of my few completely reliable barometers. We RSVP to parties based on whether it will feel slow or not. We assess our weekend based on its slowness. We choose activities based on slowness. We chose our current school using this same measure because though we loved our other school, it was just too much time in the car which didn’t feel slow to me at all.

I’m not saying we’re always moving at a snail’s pace, not by any stretch, but using this slow barometer really does help me keep it sane and steady. And if things aren’t sane and steady, then I use the slow measure to figure out what feels crazy and if it’s temporary and it’s obligatory or if it is somehow serving us in some way, shape or form. It’s really working for me this measure of slowness and to have the word to apply to it all. I think it’s working for the whole family too, although admittedly sometimes my oldest wants to move through the world a little faster than I do. And sometimes we even let her drag us along on her speedy ride – but even she is grateful when we reign it all back in.

So I have a question for you. In your own life, do you ever use Slow as a barometer? I’m curious to know.