Gever Tulley was here in Austin this weekend, as you may well know from me going on and on on my various blogs and sites. He is the founder of the Tinkering School, now a summer camp but one day soon perhaps a K-12. I was fortunate to share a stage with him and with Carrie Contey on Friday night and then participate in various workshops all weekend long.
He had a lot to say about working with kids, and how we can give them the reins a little bit more than we do. We can trust their skills and their knowledge and, when the actual facts may not be there just yet, we can trust their creativity and problem solving. In Tinkering School the elders are known as collaborators, not teachers. “They may have bigger hands that can tighten a nut a little tighter, but that doesn’t make them the authority.”
I am really going to try to take those words and that sentiment into my parenting. I am going to try to remember the collaborative part. Because really, since we’ve been around longer, we may know more about what already is, but we don’t know more about the ideas that have yet to be formed. (I am going to make this my new mantra.) I’m going to try to listen more and dictate less. I am going to trust that the mistakes are part of the process and that really, there is often more to be learned from the mistakes than from an easy success. So, though as parents we have a desire to “save” our kids from failing/falling/faltering, perhaps the very best thing we can do is to let them experience it on their own and from there give them the tools and support they need to figure out the solution.
Gever wasn’t really speaking about parenting, but really he was.
When my oldest was born, I received a lot of advice around parenting. Some applied. Some did not. Some was for the moment. While still others were maybe delivered a little too early or too late. The piece of advice I got though that really stuck, the one that has withstood the test of time and the one we have been able to apply to all aspects and ages of parenting was from my sister…
“It’s all a phase,” she said. “So revel in the good ones and know that the bad ones shall pass.”
These words have brought me through the darkest times and at the same time allowed me to really see and appreciate the bright and shiny moments as well.What I have come to know as the ebb and flow of parenting.
Whether I was parenting an infant growing a tooth or falling asleep on my chest for an afternoon nap. Whether I was guiding a toddler through a tantrum or helping him examine a dead butterfly. Whether I was assisting a 7 year old learning the code of our written language, or a 10 year old finding just the right chapter book or a 12 year old navigating the social waters. In all of it I was able to strive for full presence either suffering it or celebrating it – depending on the circumstances. All because I knew that this too shall pass.
Where are you now? Up? Down? In the darkness? Or in the light?
Find a loving ear or a helping hand or a total stranger to share in your joy.
And know that this too shall pass.
Only one other piece of advice has withstood this test of time and this one came from my brother…
In the Huffington Post today there was an article about women and sleep – and whether getting more of it could help women rise to the top of their fields, professions, games. Motherlode author Lisa Belkin wrote about it too and pondered whether the issue was really a choice for women or whether they often really just had more to do on the homefront – i.e. nursing, waking to a child’s cries, domestic duties, hormonal insomnia, etc. and therefore couldn’t get more sleep even if they wanted to.
I agree that when the wee ones are truly wee, the ball often lands in the mom’s court as far as sleep is concerned. Biologically it’s the deal and there isn’t a whole lot to do about it short of extra work at some other point in the day in regards to pumping and bottling, etc. But I think that after that, when the kids actually do sleep through the night, it’s about choice: Will I get everything done, myself, my way, every night, and suffer the fatigue? Will I solicit some help from the family in regards to domestic duties? Will I turn off the computer and head to bed? Will I even occasionally leave things undone and go for the extra sleep even though the laundry, dishes, paperwork or more is left for another day? I know for myself, there has to be the turn-off point. And whether I do it at 10:00 or midnight, there is never a point of everything being done. And that’s with a partner who does A LOT.
Last fall I was lucky enough to have a consult with a local herbalist, Ginger Webb of Texas Medicinals. I went to her for problems of memory loss. After talking for a while she said, “You’re not suffering memory issues, you’re suffering overwhelm.” She prescribed “profound sleep” (more than 9 hours at a stretch) and an herb tincture called ashwaganda. I love the term profound sleep and I use it now as a guiding force making sure that at least one night a week I get my recommended 9 or more hours. Other nights too I try to cash it in a little earlier than I was leaving my night owl tendencies behind on nights where the morning comes at 6:20 a.m.. And I take the tincture nightly as a way for entering calmly into deep and restful sleep. Both have made a profound difference in how I feel and communicate and go about my days.
Just this past week, in an effort to lighten the work load on both my partner and myself, we reinstituted our family job chart. We had it going for a while, a while back, and then, somehow it just kind of stopped. For nearly a year we’ve been without it – instead randomly assigning jobs and more often too, just deciding to do the jobs ourselves instead. For many of the tasks, somehow we decided it was easier to just do it ourselves – which is only true for the time being, definitely not for the long run. Not that we didn’t have the kids doing things but it was way more random and way more special occasion too. And now, daily tasks are back. With it’s sleek new design and added bonus jobs, and older kids at the helm, I can already see it’s impact on the house. Regularly things get done. With a lot less nagging too because, well, it’s there on the chart.
So, to the sleep challenge presented by Arianna Huffington, in a roundabout way, the job chart is going to allow me to get more sleep. Because there really is less to do. And even if it’s not done that night, it’ll get done the next day and it doesn’t all have to be done by me, or by my husband either. Do you want to take the more sleep challenge? And if so, how would you go about it?
Parenting for a Peaceful World, written by Robin Grille, is a book for parents who want to learn to get inside their parenting with true compassion and understanding of both their children and of themselves. It is for child health professionals who want to gain insight into every infant and child, and even adult, they encounter. It is for adults who want to gain insight into their whole selves again and indeed, the whole self of every person they meet.
This book is nothing short of a manifesto for policy-makers, teachers, community leaders, and anyone who wants to deepen their connection to themselves and humanity as a whole. If the findings outlined in these pages are put into practice, the result may be a revolution of peace, humanity, and a world beyond our imagining. And it can all begin in ourselves and in our very own families.
During our time together we will:
* Examine the whys of who we are
* Discuss the book
* Explore how our own early experiences influence what we believe about ourselves and how we parent
* Share some of the messiness and joys of parenting today
* Learn and practice mindfulness techniques that will help reduce stress and model good emotional health and regulation to partners and children
Time: 7-9pm
Dates: Every Wednesday for six classes starting July 29th
Cost: $250/person or $450/couple
Location: 919B Cardinal Lane Austin TX 78704
This is for mothers and fathers with children of all ages who are ready to explore and create new understandings of themselves, their children and their world in general.
Click here if you are registering as an individual.
Check out the interview I did with Jennifer Hill Robenalt for her Blog Talk Radio show Soul Lab. Jennifer is a writer, mother, publicist, blogger, spiritual seeker and all around fabulous woman. During our time together we explored the link between parenting and spirituality. Good stuff.
As an early parenting guide with a pretty clear understanding of brain development and nervous system regulation, I feel strongly that children, especially young children, especially kindergarteners, should NOT have homework. Why? Because they’ve been at school for many hours using their brains — learning things, trying new activities, navigating social interactions — and managing big feeling without mom or dad. That is a lot of work. In order for them to properly integrate what they have learned, tried and experienced they need a break. They need to have space and time to relax. They need to be…time to putter around the yard, play with their toys, look at books, cuddle with someone who loves them dearly, play with friends, do some art if they feel like it. Basically, time to do what they want to do. Or not do anything at all. When we allow children an intellectual pause at home all the neural connections that have been stimulated at school link up and create new pathways in the brain. This is really good and important stuff that should not be underestimated or overriden by a bunch more learning.
Perhaps there needs to be a movement to abolish homework? Oh, look there already is one.
We love this question. And more than the question itself, we love the answer ,because the answer actually doesn’t come from us, it comes from within each parent. And it can change from day to day, hour to hour even.
So many times we are told, as parents, that “we must be consistent with our children.” And that is true. The missing piece to this answer however is that the consistency isn’t in the behaviour or in the schedule or in the rules applied, rather the consistency is in the temperment of the parent. In other words, the boundary lies within.
If one day you are well rested and feeling strong and capable as a parent, then you might feel totally fine with letting your 3 year old climb to the top of a very big slide and slide down. “Hooray!” You say as they reach the bottom. If however you are tired, or mentally preoccupied, or stressed out or distracted, that same slide another day might seem too overwhelming, so the boundary then shifts, within you, and that day the slide is off limits.
“But won’t my child be confused?”
Perhaps they will for a minute. But when you say no to them in as kind a way as you say yes, and you tell them, “I know you want to go up there but I’m really not up for it today. I know you did it last week, but you’ll have to wait until another day because today it’s freaking me out.”
In the big picture of parenthood and childhood, it is far better for the child to melt down from the no, than for the parent to melt down in the allowing something that is freaking them out. Because the end result of the parent freaking out is that the kid feels wrong or shamed or uncertain of whether your yes means yes or no or ends up freaking out anyway.
I recently joined Triiibes, which is like a mini-Facebook for people who have read Seth Godin’s book Tribes which Bern and I both love. In the profile questionnaire it says, “Here is the one and only spot here for audacious self-promo! Feel free to wax on and on about you, your life, your work and your passions…”
This is what I wrote:
I want to inspire people to live their best and fullest lives. To know that bliss and freedom and authenticity are available to all of us. Right now. To lead with love and consciousness and care and joy. To help people understand their children and to see their own true essence as a way of getting clear on who they are and what they want and how they want to live their own lives. I want to inspire families to create healthy family life. To make family life the priority because it has the potential to be the place of filling up, uncovering our biggest lessons and honing our emotional intelligence.
I love the concept of evolution. That the purpose of life is the fulfillment of consciousness. That we are here to expand and grow and we do that through connection and seeing the lessons and feeling the feelings. Guiding parents is my vehicle in assisting folks to see the potential in themselves and their children. I guide parents in learning about human development and clearing the blocks from their own early experiences that cloud their natural parenting intuition and their ability to know their own true selves. In my experience I know that once the blocks (undigested emotions from their own early experiences) are integrated bonding and healthy attachment, as well as personal expansion and ultimately freedom, naturally occur.
My goal is to support, educate and inspire parents to welcome and care for their babies and children in ways that support their innate wholeness and allow them to enter the world with the least interference toward personal evolution as possible. This cannot be done to the exclusion of the parents because there is no baby without (m)other! My goal is to help parents learn to emotionally regulate and know themselves so that they can emotionally regulate and know their children. And in knowing themselves and their children everyone’s lives are richer and more expanded.
The way the morning flows can set the tone for the day. If things are hectic and everyone is racing around, there is less connection and less fun. However, when you choose to slow things down, connect and enjoy the time you have together before leaving for the day, everyone feels better and things go smoother. It’s not always easy but it certainly is worth giving it a try.
Here are some simple and practical tips for slowing down the morning:
Get up and get going. When you get out of bed just 15 minutes before everyone else it gives you a chance to set some intentions for how you want things to go.
Get yourself ready before the rest of the family rises.
Do something just for you even if it’s just for for 5 minutes. Drink a cup of tea/coffee, write in your journal, meditate, stretch, etc. Take the time to check in and be with yourself.
Connect, connect, connect. Your child’s been asleep for many hours and needs some emotional filling up before he/she is ready to do the tasks of the morning. Taking just a minute or two to snuggle, shares some kisses or sing a song as you carry your child to the bathroom can make the “have to’s” go a lot smoother for everyone involved.
In efforts to help your little ones stay on track with doing what needs to get done, break things down into simple chunks and connect in between each thing. For example hug then brush teeth… hug then get dressed….hug then get shoes on…
Set things up the night before for a smooth and easy morning. Prepare breakfast and lunches for the next day, get bags packed and place them by the door, let your children sleep in the clothes they will wear the next day if dressing is too big of a battle in the morning. Make it easy so you are able to be more present with the people and less focused on the tasks.
I am really going to try to take those words and that sentiment into my parenting. I am going to try to remember the collaborative part. Because really, since we’ve been around longer, we may know more about what already is, but we don’t know more about the ideas that have yet to be formed. (I am going to make this my new mantra.) I’m going to try to listen more and dictate less. I am going to trust that the mistakes are part of the process and that really, there is often more to be learned from the mistakes than from an easy success. So, though as parents we have a desire to “save” our kids from failing/falling/faltering, perhaps the very best thing we can do is to let them experience it on their own and from there give them the tools and support they need to figure out the solution.
