Though the temperatures here in Austin hover in the high 90s and the calendar still shows a few more weeks of summer remaining, it sort of feels like fall around here. Since school started up nearly 2 weeks ago, the shift into new regimens and routines and rituals has begun.

It’s been sometimes easy and sometimes hard in our house. Two kids that are going to school like their teachers. That’s easy. One that is homeschooling likes her schedule. That’s easy too. The wee one wonders where the kids are going every day and he misses them. That’s hard. Bedtime comes at the time when just 2 weeks ago we were heading to the cold springs for an evening dip. That’s hard to give up. But easy to fall asleep when the day has begun so early. And speaking of the day beginning so early, well, that’ hard and doesn’t really seem to ever get easier. No matter how long we do it. If we had our way, school would begin at 8:45. That would feel natural. But 7:45 never. So that’s hard. We’re biking to school everyday which came about because the van was in the shop. That seemed hard to be without.  But now we;re biking everyday because we like it. It feels easy. Way easier than trying to navigate the sea of anxious cars trying to beat the bell in the morning. And as the days pass, each day we remember something we knew last school year but forgot over the summer. Some are easy. Some are hard. Some we get used to. Some we don’t.

But the thing that keeps us going, the thing that keeps us from feeling out of control, the thing that keeps us connected or at least brings us back to connection when we might otherwise have lost it or when we actually DO lose it, is one simple question: Is this working for us? We’re asking it on many levels right now. And though we don’t have the completely clear answers, just asking the question is the very beginning of bringing us to where we want and need to be.

So, as you return to school schedules or job shifts or money issues or playdates or  parties or chore charts or bedtime schedules or whatever stuff is a part of your family life, ask yourself that one question: Is this working for us? It’ll help get you where you want to be. Seriously.

According to the seasonal calendar we’ve still got over a month left of summer. According to the school calendar though, we’ve got just 6 days left here in Austin, TX. Oh my oh my time does fly too fast sometimes. In some ways our family is ready for the return. In other ways though we are hesitant to leave the late night swims and sometimes lazy days. Even on work days the schedule somehow felt less rushed, less urgent and less wrought with the endless to-dos that feel a part of school.

Time for us to regroup as a family. Time to set some intentions for the upcoming school year. Time to figure out just how we want this school year to look and feel. We’ve got this Sunday slated as a family day – a day for figuring out just how to make this very big transition. How do you do it in your house? If you’ve got a special ritual for heading back to school we’d love to know!

And it’s time too for our 3rd annual back to school clothes swap. Come join us. Bring what you can. Take what you need. We’ll have sewers, silk screeners and sorters too making nice mountains of all kinds of clothes for infants to adults. You can get the details here…

Things change in summer. Bedtime hours vary. Schedules are more random. More books are read in a week than during a month of the school year. Even with our early rising for summer swim team, we don’t keep such an eye on bedtime because of the knowledge that a midday siesta is definitely a possibility. Life in general feels a little more spacious even when we are doing lots of things and seeing lots of people.

I think it’s partly the long hours of daylight that give us this spacious feeling. Or maybe it’s that we’re more in control of our unscheduled time because it doesn’t hold so much homework or so many meetings or fundraising obligations.

Maybe though it’s just an illusion. Which is fine with me, because illusion is part of reality anyway. And this illusion  should serve me once school starts back again in fall and I can take on this same spacious feeling.

I’m curious how others feel in the summer. I’m wondering whether this feeling is sort of universal or whether its a fabrication of my own mindset. Is it just that I relax more in these days? Or is there actually more time and space allotted? How does your summer feel? Does your family operate differently in the summer than during the school year?

Curiously yours,

Bernadette

A friend’s daughter is attending camp this summer for 3 full days a week for free. They have created a great thing they call Co-op camp and all the girls involved attend 4 days a week – 3 of them for free. Here’s how it works… Each family takes the girls 1 day a week. The other 3 days the girls go to a different house. The parent is responsible for creating some camp like activity for the girls either at home or somewhere out in the community.

So far, and only one week into summer break, they have roller skated, swam in a creek and biked at the town veloway. In the weeks to come they’ll do some sewing, bowling, definitely more swimming and who knows what other fun stuff. The total cost is up to the parent – they can either find something free to do with the kids like a craft or a swimming hole or they can choose something with an entry free.

The cost benefits are obvious. Who doesn’t want to attend an innovative summer camp for free? One of the other benefits though is that the kids are getting to explore their own town in a way that they might not have done if just left to their parents devices and they are getting to do it with friends – thereby avoiding the summer cries of wanting to see more friends. And for the parents, they are then committing to spending one day each week solely dedicated to the pursuit of summer fun. Who doesn’t want to do that? In addition, one of the moms said she enjoys finding out about cool places and events in their own town which she might not have thought of or known of otherwise thereby giving her fodder for future family outings and activities.

This seems like total Slow Family to me. It’s slow, it’s connected and everyone involved is finding they are enjoying the summer more than they would have without it.

What ways are you finding to make summer more connected?

I was speaking with a mom this weekend about Slow Family Living. She was concerned because she didn’t think she could do it. “Do what?” was my question to her. “Slow things down in the way that you do,” she responded.

It’s not about doing it my way. Or a certain way. Or the way that some other family is doing it. Rather the whole idea of Slow Family is finding the way that works in your home, for your family.

The idea of slow is actually the idea that you and your family take a pause in all you do just long enough to ask yourselves, “Is this working for us?” From there you will find your solutions.

I wrote a piece this week in Rhythm of the Home about our Family Soccer league and how our experience with soccer was tweaked and retweaked until we had the perfect solution for our family. Not one big change overnight but a little by little variation until we had the perfect scenario for us. For the parents, for the kids and for our family as a whole.

Here are a few questions from our Slow Family Handbook to get you started on finding ways to build connection in your own family life…

1. Think of a day, an hour, a moment even when you felt “ah, this is what family life is all about.” Describe it in detail…
2. What were the elements or the pieces involved?
3. What was the feeling?
4. In what ways can you bring those elements into daily life?

If you want to do more, you can download the workbook and go through the entire process. In addition, read through a list of 100 ways you and your family can find ways to slow down, connect and truly enjoy family life a little bit more.

With so much of family life in transition, it seems like a really good time, to ask ourselves again, “Is this working for us?” From there we will find the answers. “For us,” being the operative term.

Summer’s nearly here. At least according to the school calendar. We’ve got just 6 days left of school and 2 of those are after the Memorial Day holiday so we know they’ll be sort of lackadaisical. We’re ready for school to be over. We’re just not so sure we’re ready for summer to begin. This weekend we’ll have a family meeting in order to make sure we’re all on the same page for starting up this next season of family living.

In a nutshell we’ll have to set some intentions and make some to-do lists. We’ll have to make sure too that we’re all on board for what’s coming up. Being together more for both work and play. And having lots and lots of time for friends and lots and lots of fun.

Oh, and getting some work done will be crucial too.

Last year we used our Family Summer Center that Kathie Sever and I created for Future Craft Collective and Craftzine. With a calendar and a planning center, it was the perfect way to make sure our summer’s reality met our expectations. How do you do it in your house?

We schedule just about everything in our lives. We schedule work. And exercise. And social time. And doctor’s appointments. And sports. And parties. And volunteer time too. Look at most any family calendar and you will see all sorts of activities, events, appointments and obligations.

Often though we are hesitant to create this same intention for family life. Or we schedule it but then if something else comes up we bump family time to the side as if it will just happen on its own.

But it doesn’t always. It needs the same intention and attention that we give most every other aspect of our lives.

I usually remember this. Most often we try to keep one day each weekend just for time with each other. But sometimes we forget. And we get back on the bandwagon of thinking that family time will just happen without any thought at all.

And then a little reminder comes in some form or fashion. And I am grateful to put it on the calendar again.

The end of school that is. Just a little over three weeks according to a recent calendar check. This time of year always seems to take on a rapid fire pace with end of year performances and ceremonies and field trips and more. It’s somewhat difficult to maintain some semblance of calm in our schedules but we’re trying hard over here tag-teaming for various requirements and limiting others.

This week alone we’ve got two drama performances for two different kids and two days of field day for two different grade levels all requiring some sort of participation from one or some of us.

We had to remind each other tonight that it’s just a phase and that the end of this pace is near. So that’s the mantra for the next few weeks: “It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.” Reminding us of the great advice we received from my experienced sister when our oldest child was born over 12 years ago, “Remember, it’s all a phase. Revel in the good ones and know that the bad ones will pass.” While this time of year isn’t exactly a bad one, it is indeed a trying one!

The reminder of this serves us well. And we may need to remind each other quite often. And we know too that before we know the chaos will calm and we’ll be headed for more of this…

How do you handle this speeding up time of year  in your house?

It’s spring here in Austin, TX and it has lingered much more luxuriously than I remember it doing in years past. The cool nights and mornings continue to surprise us all and the heat has barely set in even by late afternoon. This week marks the first of the 90 degree days and we all take a deep breath in anticipation of what’s to come.

photo by Leon Alesi 500poundleon.com

This time of year time seems to pick up speed a little bit as school calendars fill with all that was missed during the school year such as class trips and fund raisers and tests and end of school year celebrations. Yes, end of school year, as we recently realized there are just over 4 weeks remaining. The past couple of weeks have felt a little hectic here in our house where ordinarily we keep a thoughtful eye on keeping things relatively slow.

This past weekend however we took a collective deep breath. And we planned nothing. And we even canceled existing plans in exchange for nothingness. There were slight protests from the resident 12 year old but even she recognized the need to pull back and hang out and just be. So that’s what we did.

We ate meals together and prepped them together too. We had time for pancakes. And pedicures. And head massages in the grass. We read out loud and to ourselves. We wrote long neglected thank you notes. Cut out paper flowers for a first grade project. Picked out a potted plant for teacher appreciation week. Took walks around the neighborhood and bike rides too. Picked loquats from a neighbors tree. Found some mulberries down the street. Played tennis in the alley. And hockey in the grass. Spent two hours in the thrift store all together just because. And came home to write stories on the old typewriter we found there.

By Sunday night we felt ready to dive into this coming week which one glance at the calendar shows is equally full of spring time activities, events and obligations. Because of its nature, and its weather, and the fact that this season precedes the dog days, this time of year can tend toward the nutty. And we have discovered that if we don’t find some way to find some space in the other end of that spectrum, we crumble.  And we all get overwhelmed. And cranky. And we end up taking it out on each other.

So before it gets filled up with other obligations, we have penciled in some family time again this coming weekend. Not the entire weekend, like we did this past week. But a chunk. So if anyone asks, “are you guys free…” No is the answer. We’ve already got something scheduled.

It’s not always easy to listen to our kids. Sometimes they want to talk when we’re in the middle of doing something else. Or when we’re tired. Or when we’re rushing to go somewhere else. But if we want to know what’s going on in their heads and worlds and hearts, we have to listen when they’re willing to talk. And though I often forget, we have to try to keep our opinions to ourselves unless they are directly solicited. And even then, tread lightly.

Here are a few things I’ve learned. Or rather, a few things I am continuously learning, as I strive to be a better listener to my kids. As I strive to offer less input. As I strive to remember that they are them and I am me – each with our own needs, feelings, ideas and wants…

• Take advantage of certain times of day when we know our children might be willing to share. Bedtime? Snack time?
• When our children are talking about concerns, stop whatever we are doing and listen. Really stop. And turn our mind, body and spirit towards our child. If we give them half an ear, we will get half-hearted stories.
• Express interest in what they are saying without being opinionated. This is a hard one especially if they are sharing something painful. We want to fix it. Make it better. But that’s not always what they want.
• Listen to their point of view, even if it’s difficult to hear.
• Let them complete their point before we respond. Even then, respond slowly. Check in with what they are really wanting. Ask if they want feedback or just an ear. And assume this will change from time to time.
• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.  Also, this way they know they are heard. Fully. Only then will we get the full story. If they feel dismissed in any way, they will dismiss us completely and instantly.
• Talk to them about things going on in your world. By modeling this sharing, we can teach them how to share.

What tricks or tools of listening have you learned? As the parent of four, with the oldest now just shy of her teen years, I am seeking all the tools I can get.