I was approached by a mom once, someone whose world randomly intersected with mine both professionally and personally. She was a mom of two littles and I at the time had my three. She had recently seen this picture of me and with a slight twinge of accusation and envy, and a huge dose of fatigue, she said, “UGH! How do you do it? You always make it look so easy breezy. You’re like a mother cover girl.”

I don’t remember exactly what I said next but I think it had something to do with me spitting out my coffee. And then laughing for several minutes uncontrollably, with tears in my eyes.

Occasionally yes, it’s breezy. And even easy. And when it is I try to take notice of those moments in time. Those moments when things are going exactly as I imagined they could go. But mostly, where I live, in a house with 6 people, the line between calm and chaos is a thin one indeed. But what she perceived in that snapshot wasn’t even close to what was.

Which is often true from the outside looking in. Like in this photo. That isn’t even close to a look at the big picture.

Because in one hand, the hand that you can’t see, the one that’s cut out of the photo completely? I’m holding the hand of a rather frantic toddler who is standing precariously on top of a bucket and who is about an hour or so past her naptime and who resisted the idea of lunch just before that and who has hit the proverbial wall of toddler meltdown brought on by the dreaded combination of hunger and fatigue. In the other hand? The one she thought was some sort of handmade bag of fabulous vintage material? Well, that’s actually said toddler’s pants. Full of pee. Which at the moment right before this photo was taken was dripping down my arm. Into the sleeve of my fab dress. 

So the look that to the onlooker seemed to be the very picture of easy-breezy was actually an expression of surrender-to-it-all, if-I’m-not-laughing-I’m-crying, this-is-my-life-and-this-is-what-it’s-like, holy-sh*t.

Since this exchange we’ve added another member to our family and a little more chaos, and in all that time I’ve been aware of the danger of looking in on someone else’s life and thinking I know their whole story.  I know that what I see is a snapshot. A blink. And that I have no idea what’s on their plate at any given moment in time. If I find myself judging – the real of the the virtual, the good or the bad – I know my judgment isn’t really about them at all. But about me. About how I”m feeling in that moment of time. And about what I need. To make me feel whole and happy.

On Christmas Eve I found myself huffing noisily and irritatedly from the Santa storage under the stairs up into the living room to the tree. Up and down I went a couple of times each time louder and louder. I was excited about the gifts we got. We chose carefully for each child. We bought some second-hand, some new. Some things they wanted, some they needed (everyone got lots of socks!). Some things to do, eat and play. I was GLAD for all we selected. But I was huffing because I wanted my husband to see what I was doing and see that I wanted help. So I huffed louder each time I walked by him. And finally I said something snarky. Who knows what the words were, it was the tone that carried the message. He looked at me and said, “I didn’t even know you had started. Next time just ask for help.” Duh. And oh. And of course.

A couple of days later my kids were lounging on the couch reading in various states of repose and I was slamming about in and out of the

Do they look like they’re paying attention?

room picking things up and tidying and putting things away and after a few minutes of doing this seemingly invisibly, I snapped. What the words were I don’t know. Something with the message of “WHY CAN’T YOU READ MY MIND AND KNOW WHAT I NEED???” but in different words. My now teen son looked at me and said, “Don’t get all mad at us, just ask us for help. We ‘re not paying attention. We’re reading.” Again oh. And duh. And of course.

So it’s become my practice this week, a practice I hope to carry with me everyday, now and into the new year and every year beyond that.  Rather than imagine everyone is completely tuned into me and my needs, I’m going to try calmly asking for what I need. Be it time or things or energy or help. I’m going to put it out there to the people around me.  Kindly. Without rancor. With the full expectation that  my needs will be met. By someone. In some way. By the partner. The children. The community. The universe.

And before I even ask, and certainly before I freak out, I’m going to ask myself, “what do I need?” Because surely getting it clear in my head is the first step in putting it out clearly to those around me.

What if we all did this? Took these four easy steps…

1. Pause.
2. Ask yourself, “what do I need?”
3. Believe you can get it.
4. Put it out there to those around you. In your home. Your community. Your universe.

Think of how good you’d feel to state it kindly. Think how happily you’d help someone who asked so nicely and didn’t wait until they were freaking out. Think of how trusting you could be of all the people in your home/life/world if you knew full well they were stating clearly what they needed. No need for passivity. No need for mind reading. And no need to get all bent out of shape.

Just ask. Clearly. Calmly. Joyfully.

And trust.

It’s worth a shot right?

Here’s something I’m trying to do at home. And even in the very brief period that I have been practicing it, it has made an incredible difference in how we all get along. I learned it this weekend at a workshop, along with lots of other great tips for creating more love and joy in my life and especially in my home. It’s such a simple shift, and honestly, it has had a ridiculously profound effect on my interaction with my children and my partner.

Instead of saying “but” I say “and”.

Instead of saying “you want to do it this way BUT I want to do it that way.” Instead of thinking, “You want to go here BUT I want to go there.” Instead of feeling, “You like this BUT I like that.” I replace the “but” with an “and”.

So it sounds like love and acceptance instead of arbitration and rejection. It feels like agreement instead of contradiction. It allows for two realities co-existing instead of argument of one way being right and the other being wrong. AND it feels like a whole lot of understanding that in a family with 6 people in it, there can of course be 6 different ways of feeling/thinking/wanting/seeing.

We all like different things. We all have different ideas. We all need/want/have/love different ways of approaching life. AND it’s all perfectly true and beautiful and okay.

Honestly it is that simple. AND it is that good. You want this AND I want that. You feel this AND I feel that. You see this AND I see that. You are perfect AND I am too.

It could be just the tool you need this holiday.

I am this week at the Jersey Shore celebrating a cousin’s 50th wedding anniversary. We toasted, they talked, their children shared anecdotes, and what I realize is, it’s the little things that keep a family connected.

It’s finding that special juice that one likes and getting them one for their very own. It’s the touches. And the ability to lean a head on the other’s shoulder. It’s the whispered I love yous. And the laughs when there is chaos. And the commitment to the very simple, but not always easy act of being kind. It’s the knowing that the other is there when you need them and the knowing when to walk away in silence. It’s the big support group that surrounds the union and gives them a chance to regroup. It’s the willingness to let it all show – the tears, the laughs, and everything in between. It’s the being there for the big things and the little things too, and knowing that in 50 years it’s not all fun and games but it’s satisfying nonetheless. It actually can be mostly joy. It’s the being there for each other, the serving as witness to life’s ups and downs. And the willingness to sigh, forgive, let go and move on. It’s the daily gratitudes for the things big and small and the willingness to sometimes look beyond a singular act or mood, and see the reason behind it – be it fatigue or hunger or overwhelm. And it’s the hug that says, “I’m here when you need me.”

It’s inspiring to see a couple together this long who still feels such love for each other and who are still so demonstrative about it. And to see the trickle effect of their big love on all the people gathered here at their party, young and old. It inspires us all to love bigger, truer and to appreciate the people that are right under our noses. I want to celebrate 50 years one day. And in the meantime I’m going to try to celebrate one year, month, week, day at a time.

A friend sent me this beautiful poem yesterday. Perhaps it caught my attention more than usual because I had woken up VERY early that morning and wrote a short piece myself about a similar topic. The piece I wrote was about remembering the love that started our families. It was about the fact that if we knew all there was to be done in family life we might not sign up at all but because we start in love it makes it all feel possible. And when we can remember and reignite that love and burning desire that started our families in the first place, it’s not only possible but very much joyful too. My piece you’ll be able to read in 2013 when it comes out in book form from Perigee Publishing. And this poem, that makes me cry everytime I read it, you can read right now…

I have realized lately that I love Valentines Day just about more than any other holiday. It brings together so many of the things that are so important to me – appreciation, crafts, letter writing, chocolate and all done in the name of love.  What’s not to love?

I’m not talking the commercial celebration of it all – the guilt, the obligatory rose, the holy crap I don’t have a gift to give kind of feeling.

I’m talking the heart of it all. The sharing of the expression of love. The letting people know just how much they are appreciated and valued and loved. Truly loved. No other strings necessary or attached. Love is where the heart is. The heart is where the love is.

I’ve decided this year I am going to extend the holiday to be more than just a day. I’m going to stretch it into an entire season starting, well, starting now I guess. I have dug out the necessary paper, scissors and glue. I am clearing a place on our table which will be active for the next 3 weeks at least. We are going to make cards and we are going to write love letters to each other and to family members spread around the country.

If Christmas can be extended like it is, why not Valentines Day? Starting today I’m going to write one love letter a day in an effort to spread the love. I’m going to start with my own family under my own roof then I’m going to send them far and wide. And perhaps the beauty of love is, giving it is just as much fun as getting it. Gotta love that!

It’s the time of year for thank-you notes! A habit I love to model and encourage in my children. And one that I know isn’t always that easy to do – especially when there are so many to say thanks to and so much to be thankful for! Sometimes those lists just feel overwhelming. To me and to the kids.

This year we have a new way of doing them. A way that not only says thanks but encourages family connection as well. Read about it on Future Craft Collective and then gather the family for a little collaborative gratitude session!

I’ve been pondering connection lately  as I’ve been doing events here and there and folks have been asking, “HOW??? How do we create more connection and find more time together?”

Everyone feels so busy. But I don’t think we  have to necessarily do less, rather I think we can just be a bit more intentional about what we do do. And how we spend our days. Which will of course eventually become our years. 

I’ve come up with a list. Which is not the least bit comprehensive but which offers some ideas for ways that we can see each other more. And connect more. And enjoy truly being together. Without really altering too much from our usual routine.

10 things you can do to build deeper family connection…

1. Schedule a family day every week. Make it a whole day or a few hours but make it happen. And put it on the calendar just like any other important event.
2. Declare one night each week to be screen-free for the whole family. Turn off the TV, the computer, the video games and sit together instead. Play a game, talk, go to the park, read aloud or just be.
3. Turn off all the phones for an hour or more every day; afterschool, around dinner or in the evening just before bed. You’ll be amazed at the presence you’ll feel!
4. Look at your calendar and find one thing you can cancel. Fill it with family time instead.
5. Schedule an outing with each child one-on-one. Do it monthly if you can. The whole family will benefit.
6. Create a Family Appreciation Banner. See  instructions in the book, Make Stuff Together.
7. Plan a Family Appreciation Dinner. Make it a full on celebration of all the things you love about being a family!
8. Volunteer as a family: clean a creek, help a neighbor, deliver meals to the elderly. Doing it is a family will increase the rewards a thousand fold.
9. Declare a room in the house to be electronics-free. No phones, no screens, just family!
10. Make Stuff Together. Create a collage, a craft project, a garden or a family meal. Just make it together!

I let out a big sigh the other day and my sister-in-law commented, “oh you just let go of something you were holding onto.” I paused and realized, she was right. I had been sitting in blame for some silly little thing that occurred. Just before the audible release, I had made a decision to let it go. And in that sigh, I released it all.

And it felt so good to let it all just wash away in a single exhale.

Are you holding onto any grudges? Resentments? Whether they’re from yesterday or 10 years ago, can I recommend to you that you find a way to let it go? Start with the sigh and take it from there. To help you let go, start with an appreciation. For the person or the place or the event. In the appreciation you will find the shift. Let it go. You will be glad you did.

It’s that time of year again. Sleeping in. Keeping cool. Summer fun. You ready? Have you set some intentions for yourself? For how you want to feel? Do you like it freeform? Letting each day take on its own rhythm? Or do you like it planned? Systematic. And scheduled. Each day laid out with a plan from now until school starts again. Maybe you like it somewhere in between or a combination of the two;  alternating days or parts of day. Whatever way you like it, now’s the time to ask yourself “how do I like it?” and “what works for us?” And now’s the time too to discuss with your family, which way this family boat is going to sail.

With just 3 days left in the school year, and each of those days requiring our presence at school for a good portion of the day, we held a brief meeting this weekend. As parentals we made a short list of some things that felt imperative to us and presented them to the group – ready and open for discussing. Some of the highlights:

• chores each day – in addition to the clean up of your own personal things (this included the discussion of “trail leaving” the moving from thing to activity to thing leaving a horrific trail in your wake)
• Blitz every day - in our house we call a blitz for tidying up. We set the timer for 20 minutes and go! Until the timer rings. When a blitz is called it’s all hands on deck.
• parameters around mealtimes – big windows but windows nonetheless. Breakfast is served until 9:00a.m. after that you’re on your own. Snacks are reasonable and smart. Clean up your own mess and bus your own table.
• Sleepovers are a luxury not a weekly obligation. And they will not happen on the fly. I know this works for some households but wow, it does not work for me. It makes me feel completely wonky and unnerved.
• Everyone should have a project going – make, create, carve, sew, build, write something. Whatever it is, make something.
• Swim everyday. I don’t need to instruct them of this, I just need to reassure them that it will indeed happen.

In addition to the household rules and intentions, we are going to dig out our family appreciation banner. With everyone back under one roof it’s easy to let the tones get harsh and the appreciations fall by the wayside. And appreciations can really amp up the love. Really. You should try it in whatever form you can.

I love summer. I love having everyone home. But the learning curve feels new each year and requires a little patience too. Every single year.