We love this question. And more than the question itself, we love the answer ,because the answer actually doesn’t come from us, it comes from within each parent. And it can change from day to day, hour to hour even.
So many times we are told, as parents, that “we must be consistent with our children.” And that is true. The missing piece to this answer however is that the consistency isn’t in the behaviour or in the schedule or in the rules applied, rather the consistency is in the temperment of the parent. In other words, the boundary lies within.
If one day you are well rested and feeling strong and capable as a parent, then you might feel totally fine with letting your 3 year old climb to the top of a very big slide and slide down. “Hooray!” You say as they reach the bottom. If however you are tired, or mentally preoccupied, or stressed out or distracted, that same slide another day might seem too overwhelming, so the boundary then shifts, within you, and that day the slide is off limits.
“But won’t my child be confused?”
Perhaps they will for a minute. But when you say no to them in as kind a way as you say yes, and you tell them, “I know you want to go up there but I’m really not up for it today. I know you did it last week, but you’ll have to wait until another day because today it’s freaking me out.”
In the big picture of parenthood and childhood, it is far better for the child to melt down from the no, than for the parent to melt down in the allowing something that is freaking them out. Because the end result of the parent freaking out is that the kid feels wrong or shamed or uncertain of whether your yes means yes or no or ends up freaking out anyway.
What do you think about that?
9 Comments to 'How do I set boundaries for my child?'
April 7, 2009
I totally get this. It resonates.
Daryl and I were talking about this post, and what happens when we’re both with our daughter, but Daryl and I are at different temperaments? At any given time, this happens a lot. He may be more mellow, and open to more, but I’ve had enough, and want to snap and go batty. Then at times I’m as cool as a cucumber, and feeling that I totally get Mia and her needs, but then Daryl seems not able to be on the same page and uses a stern voice.
April 8, 2009
Beautifully put – as I place boundaries for my surroundings, I honor the still voice within. I have often contemplated how that might be confusing for my kids when some days I am more fit than others. Thank you for allowing us parents to be human, too! A most empowering post!
April 8, 2009
Good one to remember. Thanks for this simple, do-able, elegent way to treat young people with respect. Slow down, in other words. Disrespect is quick and therefore hard, respect is slower but soft, kinder.
April 8, 2009
Tanya,
I think when one is overwhelmed, the other can just step up and take over. The tag team parenting allows the one feeling low to take a break while the stronger one can be there and allow whatever they need to allow.
Coming up with a code between the two of you can help avoid the feeling of being judged by the other – view the code as an allowance rather than a judgment.
Bernadette
April 8, 2009
I did this today. I was distracted, tired and a little cranky. I told the girls straight up I did not have the resources I normally do. Several times throughout the afternoon they wanted to do something (paint, help me cook, climb on furniture, get out a particularly messy toy) and I said no. “Why?” “I’m not up for that right now. I’m tired and stressed and can’t make it safe and fun for everyone.”
Sierra (http://childwild.com)
April 9, 2009
Thanks for this Sierra. What a great example.
April 9, 2009
Bernadette…Thank you! Yes, a code sounds great. Such a simple answer, but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to think of a solution that works for everyone. We tag team often…now we have a better way to transition in and out of it. Thanks again
June 22, 2009
Sorry Tanya, but I don’t agree totally. Try never to freak out in front of your children, I learned it with my eldest, dear, dear child. BUt boundaries are not about sliding down with help, that is in my opinion something a child can do alone when it’s capable of it. And ones it’s capapble, it will be the next day too, even when mum or dad is tired. It a boundary the child will feel itself. And when the child is cranky, it won’t slide of.
Letting it stay on the ground, just because of mum, it won’t learn to trust it’s own body.
I think boundaries are about communication with eachother, how can I ask for something, being polite.
And boundaries are about not too much toys in the house (or room), children aren’t always able to choose and concetrate. Not too much television-hours a day.
About setting limites to the world your child has too deal with.
This is my Dutch (a bit Calvinistic) opinion.
November 14, 2009
[...] behavior is something it is not. Here’s a post we did over on the Slow Family Living site on boundaries that is worth reading. Here are a list of books I highly recommend My top picks are Your [...]
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