Though the temperatures here in Austin hover in the high 90s and the calendar still shows a few more weeks of summer remaining, it sort of feels like fall around here. Since school started up nearly 2 weeks ago, the shift into new regimens and routines and rituals has begun.

It’s been sometimes easy and sometimes hard in our house. Two kids that are going to school like their teachers. That’s easy. One that is homeschooling likes her schedule. That’s easy too. The wee one wonders where the kids are going every day and he misses them. That’s hard. Bedtime comes at the time when just 2 weeks ago we were heading to the cold springs for an evening dip. That’s hard to give up. But easy to fall asleep when the day has begun so early. And speaking of the day beginning so early, well, that’ hard and doesn’t really seem to ever get easier. No matter how long we do it. If we had our way, school would begin at 8:45. That would feel natural. But 7:45 never. So that’s hard. We’re biking to school everyday which came about because the van was in the shop. That seemed hard to be without.  But now we;re biking everyday because we like it. It feels easy. Way easier than trying to navigate the sea of anxious cars trying to beat the bell in the morning. And as the days pass, each day we remember something we knew last school year but forgot over the summer. Some are easy. Some are hard. Some we get used to. Some we don’t.

But the thing that keeps us going, the thing that keeps us from feeling out of control, the thing that keeps us connected or at least brings us back to connection when we might otherwise have lost it or when we actually DO lose it, is one simple question: Is this working for us? We’re asking it on many levels right now. And though we don’t have the completely clear answers, just asking the question is the very beginning of bringing us to where we want and need to be.

So, as you return to school schedules or job shifts or money issues or playdates or  parties or chore charts or bedtime schedules or whatever stuff is a part of your family life, ask yourself that one question: Is this working for us? It’ll help get you where you want to be. Seriously.

According to the seasonal calendar we’ve still got over a month left of summer. According to the school calendar though, we’ve got just 6 days left here in Austin, TX. Oh my oh my time does fly too fast sometimes. In some ways our family is ready for the return. In other ways though we are hesitant to leave the late night swims and sometimes lazy days. Even on work days the schedule somehow felt less rushed, less urgent and less wrought with the endless to-dos that feel a part of school.

Time for us to regroup as a family. Time to set some intentions for the upcoming school year. Time to figure out just how we want this school year to look and feel. We’ve got this Sunday slated as a family day – a day for figuring out just how to make this very big transition. How do you do it in your house? If you’ve got a special ritual for heading back to school we’d love to know!

And it’s time too for our 3rd annual back to school clothes swap. Come join us. Bring what you can. Take what you need. We’ll have sewers, silk screeners and sorters too making nice mountains of all kinds of clothes for infants to adults. You can get the details here…

Check out the July/August issue of Mothering Magazine for an article of mine on allowing risk. It’s a fine line for parents and one that is sometimes hard to walk. And even harder sometimes to defend when others are there to watch and comment.

And I love the photo of our giant steel slide – from hereonin referred to as our “monument to risk”. How could you not want to read about that?

Things change in summer. Bedtime hours vary. Schedules are more random. More books are read in a week than during a month of the school year. Even with our early rising for summer swim team, we don’t keep such an eye on bedtime because of the knowledge that a midday siesta is definitely a possibility. Life in general feels a little more spacious even when we are doing lots of things and seeing lots of people.

I think it’s partly the long hours of daylight that give us this spacious feeling. Or maybe it’s that we’re more in control of our unscheduled time because it doesn’t hold so much homework or so many meetings or fundraising obligations.

Maybe though it’s just an illusion. Which is fine with me, because illusion is part of reality anyway. And this illusion  should serve me once school starts back again in fall and I can take on this same spacious feeling.

I’m curious how others feel in the summer. I’m wondering whether this feeling is sort of universal or whether its a fabrication of my own mindset. Is it just that I relax more in these days? Or is there actually more time and space allotted? How does your summer feel? Does your family operate differently in the summer than during the school year?

Curiously yours,

Bernadette

When a family splits, the trauma often reverberates for years, as family members struggle to adapt to a “new normal” of mom’s house, dad’s house, and new adult partners in the mix.

Austin writer Jennifer Newcomb Marine and her children’s stepmother,Carol Marine used their own experience around divorce and remarriage to write a book called Noone’s the Bitch; strengthening step families one mother/stepmother relationship at a time. If you are the mother or the step mother and you are seeking ways to create a bridge with the other woman in your child’s life, this book is definitely for you.

Starting this week, Jennifer is hosting a 6 week tele-conference, called Transformation Labs, for women seeking solutions for their own step-family relationships. Says Jennifer, “Creating a bridge enabled us to cobble the family nest back together again. It took time and sometimes we still go backwards, but we have created a foundation that is strong and durable. Now our kids have three adults in their lives who are on the same page, clucking and fretting over them, together. I know they feel loved. They have told me they feel heard.”

If you are in a stepfamily, or know someone who is, and want to learn how to build more connection into it all,  check out the work of Jennifer and Carol.

We interrupt your summer to bring you this important bit of information…

I’m doing a little summer reading over here. Some light stuff you know. This one in my hand is called Stop Arguing with Your Kids: how to win the battle of wills by making your child feel heard. It’s got some great information in it and it is especially pertinent in our household as we segue from school to summer. It’s stuff we might have known but need a bit of a reminder on. Big transitions call for refreshing the toolbox.

The section I’m currently working on is chapter 2: The Five Steps of Responsive Listening. In quick review, here they are:

1. At the first sign of an argument, check the impulse to argue back with your child and concentrate instead on listening to the child’s feelings.
2. Invite your child’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes – without defending or disagreeing (and to this I add, without judging)
3. Repeat the child’s position in your own words to show what you think he or she is thinking and feeling.
4. Ask the child to correct your impression or elaborate on his or her point of view.
5. Take time out to consider your decision – on minor matters by puasing before responding with our decision, or for more difficult situations by saying that you’ll talk more about it later.

Okay, now back to your summer. I wish you all a little peace in your own summer days. With less yelling and more enjoyable being. Together.

A friend’s daughter is attending camp this summer for 3 full days a week for free. They have created a great thing they call Co-op camp and all the girls involved attend 4 days a week – 3 of them for free. Here’s how it works… Each family takes the girls 1 day a week. The other 3 days the girls go to a different house. The parent is responsible for creating some camp like activity for the girls either at home or somewhere out in the community.

So far, and only one week into summer break, they have roller skated, swam in a creek and biked at the town veloway. In the weeks to come they’ll do some sewing, bowling, definitely more swimming and who knows what other fun stuff. The total cost is up to the parent – they can either find something free to do with the kids like a craft or a swimming hole or they can choose something with an entry free.

The cost benefits are obvious. Who doesn’t want to attend an innovative summer camp for free? One of the other benefits though is that the kids are getting to explore their own town in a way that they might not have done if just left to their parents devices and they are getting to do it with friends – thereby avoiding the summer cries of wanting to see more friends. And for the parents, they are then committing to spending one day each week solely dedicated to the pursuit of summer fun. Who doesn’t want to do that? In addition, one of the moms said she enjoys finding out about cool places and events in their own town which she might not have thought of or known of otherwise thereby giving her fodder for future family outings and activities.

This seems like total Slow Family to me. It’s slow, it’s connected and everyone involved is finding they are enjoying the summer more than they would have without it.

What ways are you finding to make summer more connected?

I am a co-founder of Slow Family Living but beyond that I am a writer. It was my writing actually that first inspired Carrie and I to collaborate. And from that collaboration came Slow Family. I often write about family life on my blog and cover such things as parenting four children, the funny points, the sweet points and the low points too.

Before the blog there were the essays. Also many about family life but about life in general: past, present and future. Sometimes they get sent off to magazines and get printed such as one coming up in the July issue of Mothering Magazine. Other times they get sent off and then sent back only to sit idle in my computer. Just recently I started compiling them, very slowly I might add, to this other site of mine called Writerisms. (I collect blogs for a hobby) There is one essay I just put up that I thought might be pertinent to Slow Family readers. It’s called From Where I Sit. And it’s about the experience of meeting each child where they are. And recognizing too the fleeting nature of it all.

photo by 500 pound leon

I was speaking with a mom this weekend about Slow Family Living. She was concerned because she didn’t think she could do it. “Do what?” was my question to her. “Slow things down in the way that you do,” she responded.

It’s not about doing it my way. Or a certain way. Or the way that some other family is doing it. Rather the whole idea of Slow Family is finding the way that works in your home, for your family.

The idea of slow is actually the idea that you and your family take a pause in all you do just long enough to ask yourselves, “Is this working for us?” From there you will find your solutions.

I wrote a piece this week in Rhythm of the Home about our Family Soccer league and how our experience with soccer was tweaked and retweaked until we had the perfect solution for our family. Not one big change overnight but a little by little variation until we had the perfect scenario for us. For the parents, for the kids and for our family as a whole.

Here are a few questions from our Slow Family Handbook to get you started on finding ways to build connection in your own family life…

1. Think of a day, an hour, a moment even when you felt “ah, this is what family life is all about.” Describe it in detail…
2. What were the elements or the pieces involved?
3. What was the feeling?
4. In what ways can you bring those elements into daily life?

If you want to do more, you can download the workbook and go through the entire process. In addition, read through a list of 100 ways you and your family can find ways to slow down, connect and truly enjoy family life a little bit more.

With so much of family life in transition, it seems like a really good time, to ask ourselves again, “Is this working for us?” From there we will find the answers. “For us,” being the operative term.

Summer’s nearly here. At least according to the school calendar. We’ve got just 6 days left of school and 2 of those are after the Memorial Day holiday so we know they’ll be sort of lackadaisical. We’re ready for school to be over. We’re just not so sure we’re ready for summer to begin. This weekend we’ll have a family meeting in order to make sure we’re all on the same page for starting up this next season of family living.

In a nutshell we’ll have to set some intentions and make some to-do lists. We’ll have to make sure too that we’re all on board for what’s coming up. Being together more for both work and play. And having lots and lots of time for friends and lots and lots of fun.

Oh, and getting some work done will be crucial too.

Last year we used our Family Summer Center that Kathie Sever and I created for Future Craft Collective and Craftzine. With a calendar and a planning center, it was the perfect way to make sure our summer’s reality met our expectations. How do you do it in your house?